natural.noise

2012-01-08T17:58:00.001-08:00

"...and just as the sun finally set and i began feel an that imploding feeling again, grace found her way spinning around me, again. she told me to grow out my beard and promised that my wisdom would grow, too. she kissed me on the head and boarded a plane to Michigan. " #longdistancephonecallssavetheday.

2012-01-03T21:22:00.001-08:00

i based my thesis of our friendship to refute yours -
that no one could know anyone else, completely.
what i am left with is the irrefutable fact that i know the real pains of loneliness
that still has a way of paralyzing me
when i'm standing next to you in a room
full of people that love and respect me.

it's nearly numbing.

i make another drink quickly, quietly exiting every room you walked into.
rested my head on a friend's shoulder who i knew would be too drunk
to remember me foolishly wiping my tears on his jacket again.

a scene too familiar.
i've seen one too many times.

i need to get out of here before i get drunk to drive home

2011-11-10T22:06:00.000-08:00

i'm between a band-aid brown,
a splash of cream in the coffee.

2011-11-10T00:01:00.001-08:00

e-fact of the week: quitting facebook is more difficult than quitting cigarettes.

2011-11-09T19:33:00.001-08:00

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

The lessons you've been learning about love and relationships may have been difficult to learn, but they have enriched your life and brought you some mental clarity. More than ever before, you know what you want, what you need and (most importantly) what you will not put up with. Trust yourself, and know that you will be able to recognize a good opportunity -- and avoid a bad opportunity -- when it comes along. That little voice inside your head is the voice of truth.

(washington post)

2011-11-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

person 1: I just want to feel like I'm a part of your life.
person 2: then go read my fucking blog or something.

::silence::

2011-11-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

2011-11-08T19:21:00.001-08:00

this morning i got the news
that you finally gave up.
you used the word "abandon"
in the middle of one of those
excessively long texts.

revel in the disillusionments
once we figure out
that neither of us were correct.
faulty rationalizations saved you,
and stripped me of love.

i discovered that
my happiness will not rest
in the craze of the selfish.

i, wounded,
need outa here.

2011-06-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

a little bit of tenderness.

i tried a little side of tenderness,
and found myself watching a conversation
between a gay father and his son
about discovering what love is.

the fine details of the writing and editing
sent a chill up and and down my spine -
i found myself crying and laughing at the same time.

it's a quiet gem that i hope gets some momentum.

everyone needs a little bit of tenderness.

BEGINNERS

2011-06-07T22:00:00.001-07:00

it's painful to see how much resentment my vessel holds.

2011-05-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

today's horoscope. (washington post)

Get out there among new people and work your charms -- meeting people just for the sake of meeting people will invigorate you now. It's all about feeding off the energy of strangers and learning how to transition a relationship from small talk into deeper conversations. Every time you connect with someone a bolt of positive energy will warm your heart and give you yet another level of confidence in who you are and where your place is in the world.

2011-05-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

went to introduce miles to pistol and paisley.
then greta and drew showed me this gem:

2011-04-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

this is the process of realizing
my unhealthy dependency on all of them.

i lost my voice in all this fucking banter.

... to seek the fulliment of real love for oneself,
i wave my hands in the air
and wish you the best
without me.

2011-04-14T23:08:00.001-07:00

wall of sound.

the morning benders.

2011-04-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

ask. and you shall receive.

thank you, mr. kielty.

http://yesyesyall.org/#/jonathan_harris_today

times are a changin'. good.

2011-04-11T19:45:00.000-07:00

PISCES [Feb 19 - Mar 20]

We have just entered a monumental week for you Pisces as Neptune, your ruling planet, entered your sign and has not been in this place for 164 years. Because of how slow Neptune moves, it will stay at zero degrees with this initiation and will dip back into Aquarius one last time in early August until February 2012. That six month swing will reflect a period of final culmination and healing for your Soul. What this time is about, now that your ruler is in your its home sign, is fueling new dreams and ideals that are soon to be born. It may be that at some point when Neptune ventures back into Aquarius again that you have to clear some final inner space for those new desires to be fully launched. But for now, allow yourself to put some color to a blank canvas.

With a power packed lineup of planets in Aries filling your second house, all of your values are shifting. You may feel some fear surrounding all that feels so unfamiliar but with Venus in your sign, you will be reminded of the true and beautiful benefits of the coming change.

2011-03-29T23:19:00.000-07:00

who am i?

Who am I? That is a simple question, yet it is one without a simple answer. I am many things—and I am one thing. But I am not a thing that is just lying around somewhere, like a pen, or a toaster, or a housewife. That is for sure. I am much more than that. I am a living, breathing thing, a thing that can draw with a pen and toast with a toaster and chat with a housewife, who is sitting on a couch eating toast. And still, I am much more.

I am a man.

And I am a former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. I am also a Gemini, who is on the cusp.
I am “brother” and I am “son” and I am “father” (but just according to one person, who does not have any proof but still won’t seem to let it go). Either way, I am moving very soon and not letting her know about it. I am asking you to keep that between us.

I am trustworthy and loyal, but at the same time I am no Boy Scout. No, I am certainly not. I am quite the opposite, in fact. And by opposite I do not mean Girl Scout. No. I mean Man Scout. And by that I do not mean Scout Leader. In fact, I am not affiliated with the Scouts at all. Let’s just forget about the Scouts and Scouting altogether, O.K.?

I am concepts and thoughts and feelings and outfits. And I am each of these all at once, unless I am in the shower. Then I am not outfits, because that would be uncomfortable.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!”

I am he and I am him. I am this and I am that. And I am, from time to time, Roberta, if I am in a chat room.

People have known me by many titles. In high school, I was Student and Key Club Vice-President and Queer Bait. In college, I was Pledge and then Disappointed and then Transfer Student. I am still amazed at how picky certain so-called “brotherly” organizations can be. And I am actually glad that they didn’t choose me for their stupid fraternity.

To some I am fantasy, and to others I am Frank, mostly because I have told them that this is my name—even though it is not even close to my name. I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I have been called Hey, You! and Get Out of the Way! and Look Out! And then, some time later, Plaintiff.

I am my own worst critic. I am going to give you an example. “That’s not me enough” is the kind of thing I am prone to say about myself. See what I mean? I am sure you do.

I am the silent majority.

I am a loud minority.

I am not talking about Puerto Ricans when I say that, because I am not a racist. I am just clearing that up. In fact, I am pretty sure I have at least one friend from each of the races (Hi, Guillermo).

I am friend. I am foe. I am fo’ sho’. What up, y’all?

I am sorry about that. I was just talking to one of my race friends, a black one. I am white and I am black. And I am both of these when I am dressed as a mime. And then I am sh-h-h.

I am Batman, but only on Halloween. And then I am not invited to many parties. But I am fine with that, because that just makes me an even more accurate Batman (because Batman does not go to parties as Batman but only as Bruce Wayne). I am right about this.

I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and the tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and all the women who talk to him.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the Other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around on a beach for too long.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain, I am the earth. I am these when I am taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin’s last name is.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I am often the one they call You but I am no more You than you. I am me. And I am more Me than you are or can ever be. And one time I was Corey for almost five minutes while I was talking with a stranger, until she realized that I was not her friend Corey.

I am neither here nor there, but there—a little to the left. Yeah. That’s me.

I am waving at you. I am waving right at you now.

I am looking right at you.

I am sensing that you don’t know me. I am starting to feel awkward.

I am getting out of here. ♦

-by Demetri Martin

"wizard therapy"

2011-03-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

(spread 1).

She continued, “You’ve got to take a really good look at yourself and see what it really there… you’re meant to succeed but the current environment isn’t right. If a word repeated in my head for you, it would be ‘enhancement.’ This card shows that you have a hard time focusing – and when you have idle hands your mind goes into that place that keeps you from progressing… It looks like there’s some thing in the way of you reaching this card – you’re meant to do well in what you do and find someone you deserve…”

radio head.

2011-03-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

i always had this picture in my mind
of you walking out on me.

you were naked,
confessing your love to me
crying, with an erection.

and all along your eyes were telling me
that you wouldn't remember a thing

2011-03-25T01:12:00.000-07:00

Mumford and Sons - Awake My Soul from Thomas Henley on Vimeo.

wake up, bro.

2011-03-21T11:33:00.000-07:00

LA.FAMILIA november 2010

bff, etc.

2011-03-13T01:43:00.000-08:00

we tallied the marks on the concrete wall
settling into the past that could clear us
of the names we left for ourselves

what were the legacies of something
so tragic and so bright.
this white glimmered, til blinding.

crescendos did
what they did.

you fucked me.
twice.
an hour passed once the hour struck.

and you were gone
as sunrise

with more of your
bullshit rationalization.
you came twice
before i
did.

beautiful, huh?

the taxi is waiting downstairs.
maybe you should get back to your girlfriend, again.

2011-03-07T23:02:00.000-08:00

a promise
jump in
fool

when you leave
i can talk

it's my own cheating heart that makes me cry.

good times gonna come
one
radio cure
and the boys

flash delirium,
the geese of beverly road

twilight carbon lake
banana slugs
cosmonaut

too late
stars

walk in the park
pomont on my mind

meddle
summertime -
the dog days are over

service bell.
me
nlo
nasir

night time
blood bank.

i discovered genius tonight.

2011-02-21T14:26:00.001-08:00

two years ago today i was riding my bike from our hayworth apartment to the sierra bonita house.
i was riding down 6th street, just east of crescent heights when ken called me to offer me a job at the gallery.
i stopped to call lee about the good news and waited to get to my destination to call mom and dad.
he couldn't be any less excited and i couldn't imagine what followed between then and now...

2011-02-12T17:07:00.000-08:00

monday.

the light pours into our bedroom by 645.
i'm awake
fighting for two more hours of sleep.

i jump out of bed
have a bowl of cheerios
and jump back in bed.

730 rolls by,
i skip another morning of jogging.
hungover, i couldn't recall
what kept us up til 4.

there was some highfiving somewhere.

the novelty of a stranger
sent a jolt through my sleeping senses.
we shake hands and wish each other good rest.

a bookstore or two follows.
i run into ty and dont say hi.
i run into steven and b and don't say hi.

i eat my croissant and two glasses of water,
a nap and the discovery that
i had just bought an epitaph in the poetry section.

and an old buddy brings me back
with a bit of wild nothing.

2011-02-05T18:43:00.001-08:00

we didn't worry about
the delicate exchange of ideas anymore.
we either told it like it was
or didn't speak to each other at all.

intricate was the wordsmith's
attention to cutting detail.
he held a single photograph in his hand
to recount all of the events that would unfold.

i etched the details in my mind
and looped them around
some shitty chorus
of an overplayed love song.

and from the filters between
my ears and my brain,
i stole all the beauty and
discarded the parts that would damage me.

my imagination is not capable
of dealing with the pain
inflicted by man.

i sleep and hope to wake up to something new.

and realize that this passivity
will not save me
this time.

2011-02-05T08:46:00.000-08:00

his roommate's alarm beeps at 630am,
the transition from a blackout dream
quickly turns blue with the sunlight
peaking through the venetian blinds.

he rolls out of bed,
a crumbled cigarette in his pocket
leaves a trail of tabacco from his bed
to the floor where his black running shoes await.

he sets the coffee maker
while smoking a joint
and gets his minute of facebook.

mia blasts as he slows down from his run
the old chinese lady in a green jacket
speedwalks from around the corner.

he comes home.
cooks his eggs.
and listens to Naked Kids
for the first time.

with coffee in hand
we writes about
the mundane details of his saturday morning.

2011-01-21T08:04:00.000-08:00

2010-10-30T01:50:00.000-07:00

2010-10-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

salud. first tastings.

2010-10-30T01:45:00.000-07:00

bocce monday with christopher. october 11, 2010

2010-07-01T21:13:00.000-07:00

2010-06-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

chapter 20: creative. considerate. well-travelled professionals seek Home.

2010-06-16T23:41:00.001-07:00

i am trying my best
and my best just may be good enough.

someone who inspires me.

2010-06-16T23:19:00.000-07:00

and life proposed another change, another goodbye, and another reason to spend a bit of time doing the things we always said we would. and two friends, saying goodbye to each other for an indefinite amount of time, decided to do a little collaboration for a photo assignment. we stayed close to home and i photographed my little muse just around the corner.

funny how much certain friendship come into focus when an end is visible.

playdate after work. fei fei. hancock park, los angeles, june 2010.

morning after lauren and demian's wedding. lake arrowhead.

2010-06-04T01:11:00.000-07:00

the morning after lauren and demian's sunny late spring wedding.

Tree Planting Ceremony.

In nature we observe the essential patterns of all living things. Albert Einstein suggested that we can understand everything better by taking a deep look at nature. Today, we take a look at how the patterns of chance, environment, love, and nourishment brought these two lives together.

Today we take a moment to observe what happens when two nuts decide to stand their ground, together.

The trees here at Lake Arrowhead have a special significance, as they created a peaceful retreat for the Akazawa family for the last 16 years – later, too, becoming the meeting place and home for the beginning of Demian and Lauren’s relationship. These two have returned to the origin of their love to plant these seeds as a symbol of their commitment to grow together.

Lauren and Demian, would you please plant the seeds.

Planting - Demian and Lauren have chosen to plant the seeds of a special Jacaranda tree – the tree under which Demian proposed to Lauren a year ago. Just as the shade from that tree marked a milestone in their relationship, the planting of these seeds signify the beginning of their life together. Jacaranda trees are also distinct in their vibrant mauve blossoms. May these seeds represent the bright future you two will share. These May the vivid mauve blossoms will highlight these special grounds with the symbol of your love. And may your love reach for the sky and sing in wildly beautiful colors.

Lauren and Demian, would you now please water the seeds.

Watering text – And just like caring for the seeds of a tree, marriage can only sprout with nourishment and care. In your words and actions towards each other – may you nurture one another with the beauty of both your natures. May you allow your roots to grow deeply, and learn to share the joy love brings both with and within you. In watering these seeds – remember the importance in speaking gently to each other, holding one another carefully through the winds of change, and allowing your love to flourish in the sun.

Loves bears witness to the function and meaning of all living things – luckily, we have nature to demonstrate just what true love can achieve.

Louis de Bernieres once said, “Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other under ground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.”

By planting this tree, we begin to watch the story of two nuts that – by chance - fell into the same place at the same time, and decided to create something beautiful with it. Chance brought them here, and love brings them back to these grounds for all of us to witness the story of how two nuts become one.

2010-05-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

when you said that it was all water under the bridge
i didn't realize that i should have brought my floating device.

2010-05-10T00:23:00.000-07:00

closure over sangria.

2010-05-04T19:44:00.000-07:00

"Think of a tree. When you think of a tree, you tend to think of a distinctly defined object; and on a certain level, it is. But when you look more closely at the tree, you will see that ultimately it has no independent existence. When you contemplate it, you will find that it dissolves into an extremely subtle net of relationships that stretches across the universe. The rain that falls on its leaves, the wind that sways it, the soil that nourishes and sustains it, all the seasons and the weather, moonlight and starlight and sunlight - all form part of this tree. As you begin to think about the tree more and more, you will discover that everything in the universe helps to make the tree what it is, that it cannot at any moment be isolated from anything else, and that at every moment its nature is subtly changing."

Sogyal Rinpoche, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying

2010-05-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

plato's symposium + hedwig and the angry inch
the origin of love.

writing to do.

2010-05-04T19:19:00.000-07:00

i met him, waving in the wind.
his blonde curls matched
the boldness of his name.
three years later,
he'd remind me why we were friends.
placing value on the
only thing we could exchange -
a chance to change
the destination on this ticket.

2010-05-03T18:22:00.001-07:00

found photo

2010-04-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." -john donne

2010-04-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

living up to expectations.

2010-04-19T14:53:00.001-07:00

dear boo.

i miss you. making a mix for you.
i need you to send me your address.

this one song was' b's idea.

love,
e.

2010-04-14T21:57:00.001-07:00

the scene: grilled cheese two ways. tomato soup. boys over a stove.

2010-04-13T19:13:00.001-07:00

2010-04-09T22:09:00.001-07:00

misadventures.

long car ride alone,
california poppies light the hills on my way home.
i descend the grapevine,
foot off all pedals -

i was greeted by a purple field -
i tossed all troubles
for 36 hours out the window.
heater blasting at my feet.

a gradual descent.
i thought of other times
we'd make this trek.

you were the last thing i threw out.

a song from an old friend hart played,
"i'm in love with you completely,
i'm afraid that's all i can do."

missed adventures.

2010-04-05T01:27:00.000-07:00

minor ulcers.
writing letters
maybe unsent.

fucking advertisements.
radio stations.

whiskey glass
too many.

sunday morning
sleeping in.

our words
happily twist.
hugs, expected.

pastel colors
shared smoke

"i'm broke."
"me too."
we laugh.
watch television.

hug goodbyes.
mama cries.
long drives.

work again.

2010-03-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

the end to a found old letter:

... and so, my blessings for your journey! Travel light and unencumbered so that you can readily recognize the beauty around you. take care of the basics in life such as eating well, resting fully, laughing often, gazing at sunsets and oftentimes beating the dawning of a new day that you may realize the grandeur of life...

2010-03-27T09:16:00.000-07:00

old friends. new words.
filled in half an hour.
now, work and jim.
then downtown for my fei.

2010-03-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

all that i was supposed to do.
three pages, thirty minutes.
everyone knew it was like Alphabetical.
"everyone knows it doesn't really matter no more."

2010-03-26T18:45:00.000-07:00

my retail therapy turned against me.

reset button.

2010-03-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

2010-03-22T19:40:00.001-07:00

long leashes and transparent boundaries.

lyric hunting.

2010-03-18T23:32:00.000-07:00

currently processing with:

1. airplanes. local natives
2. animal. miike snow
3. bad kids. black lips
4. bucket. kings of leon
5. dull to pause. junior boys
6.. f*ck it, i love you - malcolm middleton
7. we went to paris. jimmy buffett
8. help yourself. sad brad smith
9. home. edward sharpe and the magnetic zeroes
10. please, please, please let me get what i want. the smiths
11. possibility - lykki li
12. quelqu'un m'a dit - carla bruni
13. ring ring. sleigh bells
14. the skin on my yellow country teeth. claps your hands say yeah
16. vagabond. wolfmother
17. waterloo sunset. the kinks
17. world news. local natives
18. zebra. beach house
19. 1901. phoenix

iantastic is fantastic. charlie <3 mix. march 2010.

2010-03-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

work.

off.
shower.
alcohol run.
bbq.
jameson.
firepit.
jameson.
mayo.
jameson.
crash.

hangover breakfast.
pick up car (dignity).
latte
bookshop.
silverspoon
da vinci.
dhalia.
wilde.
steve.
l'eau serge lutens.
black coffee.
grove.

whiskey.
convertible.
sing.
whiskey.
sunburn.

family.
brisket.
awkward smile.
expectation.
revelation.
carrot cake.
beer.
hugs.
hugs.
hugs.

whiskey.
top down.
sing along.
whiskey.

casa bonita.
company.
video games.
in n' out.
talk about vegas.

reckless abandon.

gas.
redbull.
music.
music.
music.
vegas.
craps.
penny's.
cole.

nap.
whiskey.
bloody mary.
craps.
quarters.
pennys.
craps.
flat tire.
leann.

sunflower seeds
lunchables
market
salmon
tilapia
laundry.
shower.
sleep

work.

serendipity. reckless abandon. detox.

2010-03-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

i rang my 25th to a little surprise in the kitchen.
putting the pieces of the previous night.
i laughed and thanked my sleepy roomate
before i walked out the front door.

a bourbon gift while at my computer -
i counted the time down until the
red velvet cupcake.

phone lost and facebook-flooded email account,
fill me with anxiety.
6pm, i'm out the door

and into the arms of my best friend.

two shots and phone found,
we fill the car.

2010-03-12T19:05:00.000-08:00

superbowl.bbq - andrew and paisley.

new old music.

2010-03-12T19:01:00.001-08:00

2010-03-10T00:06:00.000-08:00

next song on the pink ipod shuffle:

go your own way. fleetwood mac.

25

2010-03-10T00:03:00.000-08:00

piscies on celing of grand central station. new york. february 2010.

hello, 25.

1. motorcycle drive-by. third eye blind
2. imagine. - john lennon
3. keep it loose, keep it tight. amos lee.
4. wonderwall. oasis
5. man in the mirror. michael jackson
6. somewhere over the rainbow. israel kamakawiwo'ole
7. california dreaming. the mamas and papas
8. someone great. lcd soudsystem.
9. hoppipola. sigur ros
10. landslide. fleetwood mac.
11. walking. nico
12. high and dry. radiohead
13. the first single. the format
14. fast car. tracy chapman
15. tiny dancer. elton john.
16. hyperballad. bjork
17. lover you should have come over. jeff buckley
18. push. matchbox 20
19. your legs grow. nada surf
20. bridge over troubled water. simon and garfunkle.
21. god of wine. third eye blind
22. you can't always get what you want. the rolling stones.
23. light speed. matt & kim
24. easy. the commodores
25. beauty. the shivers

2010-03-08T10:40:00.001-08:00

star alfur -sigur ros

2010-03-05T00:17:00.000-08:00

michelle's itune fortune telling game.

question: "give me a song to end my 24th year."

answer: if i ever feel better. -phoenix.

2010-03-01T23:26:00.000-08:00

clams with habenero+wine+shallot+garlic+grape tomatoes
basil fetuccini with mushroom/asparagus cream white wine sauce
deglazing of tilapia droppings

+ tilapia + salad + sesame bread + cheese + beer =

welcome back, March.

c.r.a.z.y

2010-02-28T20:34:00.000-08:00

2010-02-27T19:11:00.000-08:00

2010-02-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

i am not amused with your last night's behavior...
except the parts where you break out in song and dance.

2010-02-25T18:37:00.001-08:00

upside down.

i had a dream that we had a few drinks
then decided to go to the airport.

i drunkenly thought that we were getting on our sunday evening flight

you decided to take someone's motorcycle to the airport -
we left a grand brick library
it stood 5 stories tall,
outdoor balconies completed the west end of floor.

i put my helmet on and hold onto you.

it's a blur going from the 405
to some aged foreign urban city.
(something like if los angeles
had a history of a place like rome).

when i remember that i forgot my backpack on one of the library patios -
(second floor patio/grassed area where we were drinking).
there was no direct entrance to the second floor -
only the first and the fifth floor.
but for some reason there was no access to the other floors from the first.

i remember running around crazy -
trying to find my backpack with my passport and ID
so that id' be able to catch my flight.

i find myself in secret rooms and random banisters -
one of the stair hallways had an old looking statue
that looked like three stone bells strung up - one on top of the other.
a faint light shown on them from above -
indistinct faces were carved into the bells.

i end up on all outside balconies, unable to find my backpack.
i'm all sweaty and anxious that i won't catch my flight
having a glimpse that i was just dreaming, i tell myself -
this can't be real. it's only then
when i realize that i was wearing my backpack the whole time.
i run out of the library labyrinth
to find a bus to take me back to the airport.

i pull my moleskine out of my green backpack to check my flight time.
"3:05pm" i do a double take at my cell phone clock -
"3:35." "3:35"
i jump out of the bus and onto another motorcycle.
still drunk (but not realizing it),
i arrive at the airport - late.

a cop pulls me over.
i turn around, and all of a sudden i'm on a coastal highway at night.
he gives me a sobriety test - asks me to blow in the tube
then tells me, "i won't ticket you as long as you find another way home -
i can escort you home for $1000, or you can your own way."
i went for option 2 - to which he made me get in his car
to drive me far enough away from my motorcycle
that if i decided to walk back,
I'd be sober already.

he drops me off in a completely foreign neighborhood.
i see indian kids riding their bikes down the hills.
i call you to pick me up.
you ask me me, "what were you doing trying to catch the flight -
it's not until next Sunday."
trying to convince myself it was all a dream,
i ask you to come pick me up as i hide behind some pillars.
you ask, "where are you exactly? i can hardly hear you...
i'm at a club right now, I'll hit you up when i get out of here."

frustrated,
i start my five mile walk back to the coast highway.

and wake looking at the tree outside my window, upside down.

2010-02-23T19:59:00.000-08:00

time for a getaway.

with a new car battery,
i spend some time to myself
exploring our old neighborhood
listening to your mix, part II.

(it made me feel guilty that
i now cannot impart any kind of advice
to help you get through whatever it is you are going through).

i feel sorry
for how quickly
our pettiness prevented the proper
words to be exchanged
when they needed to be exchanged.

ill-thoughts festered in silence.

and i feel ill for
how all these fucking songs
we shared are telling me of the truths -
i could not save you,
and you, me.

forced independence
made me turn against you.

the ringing in my ear is going away.
which probably means you
are no longer thinking
of me.

there are no lies
in this common experience -
truth need only be believed by
the eyes of the beholder.

i'm wishin'
that we fall back down
to earth
sometime soon.

and when i land,
i'll be waiting.

2010-02-19T21:25:00.001-08:00

kuz back in la = friday with manu's lasagna.

2010-02-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

the canvas, sewn at the seems,
dangled between their bodies.
every word breaking into smaller letters,
turn inaudible sound.
you look at me like it's time to go,
the last thing i would ever see of you do
is open that door.

2010-02-16T08:42:00.001-08:00

bride and mom. central park, new york. february 13 2010

2010-02-16T08:38:00.000-08:00

snowtop nyc (from 61st floor of empire state building). new york, february 13, 2010

2010-02-10T23:30:00.000-08:00

baked salmon (lemon, olive oil, mint, pepper, garlic)
romain salad (orange and red peppers, tomatoes, balsamic vinegarette).
avacado salad (sliced avacado, tomatoes. lemon. salt/pepp)
cucumber salad (cubed cucumber, mint, lemon juice, diced shallot, diced pepper)

2010-02-09T19:03:00.000-08:00

another wedding coming.

i can feel my nerves rattling.
a tiered level of emotions stack on top of one another.

2010-02-08T23:28:00.000-08:00

failed thursdays turned wastey.

chris. mansfield thursdays. february 2010.

2010-02-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

kaub.ghost bw. mansfield, december 2009

2010-02-03T23:30:00.000-08:00

salad with mixed diced.
steamed green beans (lemon/olive oil/salt/pepper)
butternut squash "fries" (tasty mush).
roasted (dry-brined) chicken. (orangette recipe)

2010-02-03T00:13:00.000-08:00

talapia, tomatoes + asparagus - de christo.
mansfield - february 2 2010.

indian/cowgirl

2010-02-02T23:41:00.000-08:00

- kaub. day off. mansfield, january 2010.

europa, i miss you.

2010-02-01T23:01:00.000-08:00

for my twenty first birthday
i held my first makeshift exhibition at the Trehouse.
uncreatively named: "bringing europe home."

the following is a handful of my favorites.

day 5. hills house.

2010-02-01T17:00:00.001-08:00

head in the clouds. playing in the hills.

sonia and bryan.

2010-02-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

sonia and bryan's wedding countdown: 12 days.

soon heading to new york for an empire state building wedding

2010-02-01T01:29:00.000-08:00

say goodbye to cheese in a very good way today.

thank you, ladies.

[ insert: grammy performances by gaga/elton. pink. beyonce]

and gentleman.

[insert: grammy performance by drake, eminem, and lil' wayne.]

- fine cheese and grammys.

2010-01-28T23:58:00.001-08:00

i used to have these colorful visions
into your calculating mind,
when you would describe to me
the sound your thoughts made
when they finally filtered through
the foggy windows.

morning had sprung up on us again.

your smug smile filled the space
between us in paralyzing silence

my heart skips a few beats,
then patters out of control just
before your naked body turns flush.
the heat you omit causes my face to blush
as i feel the familiar trembling of your hands.

grey were the eyes glossed over in instant amnesia.
your pretty words soil my black clothes
with white streaks across my heavy chest.

and when everyone else wakes,
they find me sleeping on the cold wooden floor
curled under the kitchen table.

i have mastered this one already - my reaction.
learning to act just as confused to how i got there
as you - when you would later wake in the morning
mysteriously naked, alone in your bed.

these games we would play,
i am just too old for now.

for now.

2010-01-28T08:32:00.000-08:00

an old letter i just found.

goodbyes to ben.

I do believe in fate.
I believe in luck.
I believe in karma.

I believe that genuinely loving another human being can open your eyes to these things.
I believe that friendship is the perfect tool to mold our perspectives of this world.
And I believe that loving your friends makes the most sense of constructing who you are.

With that being said. I am doing very well on this side of the continent. I look at these photographs I’ve collected this year – the progression - portraits have become my affirmation of love. There is a single image I have of each of my friends –
the most beautiful photographs I have ever taken are of people in my life... the ones whose love I recognize deeply.

The moments these particular images were taken, seem to always appear after I the realization had passed, that I really cared about that individual.

I remember images of you on that Sunday walk before you left. So much has happened since the time we said goodbye just around the corner of that park.

I was so sure that we’d see each other again on some junction on the long roads ahead.

And between the time I last sent you and email, and now - a completely new world has opened up to me, and I wish I could dispose of all these great epiphanies and life changing moments. But even I cannot remember all of them – some moments will flash into my head months later without me thinking once about them.

There have been so many.

But I will tell you that I had the most incredible spiritual experience in my life during my spring break – that has since stemmed into the evolution of someone more loving, open.

And lately I listen to lyrics even more carefully than before and attach memories to these words that have already been constructed. I pretend as though they create the moments – even if they don’t. I allow the words to suffocate the moment, the beat to trap it in a box. Hoping that these sounds that keep repeating in these moments will one day hold memories that I cannot hold myself.

I’ve realized how quickly people come in and out of my life – the impact I am capable of making on them and (even more) the impact they make on mine. The key to that was trust. And while you will be let down by allowing everyone in your life that trust, you find these golden pieces that you hold on to for dear life.

I’ve learned something special in my relationships with this House - I wish my words could capture that.
But I feel constrained (which is why I write in the broken lines and sentences like I do).

Life is absolutely beautiful to me these days.

The fleeting nature of the friendships joined with the lasting moments and words we’ve exchanged make it a difficult, but needed fork in this particular road.

As have been the roads I’ve left before.

But my last piece of wisdom that I want to share with you from these last few months of my life came from an interview I did with one of my best friend’s dads. For my class I was asked to interview and adult and discuss the development of their religious and spiritual/philosophical experience. We met every Wednesday for a month – until the morning the paper was due.

Four hours before I would turn in my paper, at the end of our talk he told me, “Ian… I know that you the nature of your studies and just the way you think about things will often lead you wandering off the “path” – but realize, that as lonely and lost as you may feel straying off… at some point you will find someone else out there wandering too. You’ll find these sojourners that question and study living as much as you do. They will challenge you in ways you’ve never known, but they will also be the gateway to something even more beautiful. Don’t be afraid to wander off the road – you’ll find something greater… beautiful about life when you do.”

I find myself straying off my paths – finding you. finding friends that I will keep with me forever. but most importantly, I find some peace. Unconditional love.

That is what makes my world go round.
That is all that makes sense to me.
These fleeting moments and these wandering people.

We find the greatest love in those people experiences significant change at the same time we ourselves are experiencing it.

I hope you’re finding yourself out there.
And I look forward to seeing you again.

Until then – keep writing. I really do miss these words we exchange.

All my love,
e

2010-01-24T15:32:00.000-08:00

currently watching: hope for haiti.

2010-01-24T15:23:00.001-08:00

on a retarded third-eye-blind kick.

2010-01-24T15:15:00.000-08:00

every thought that I repent / there's another chip you haven't spent / and you're cashing them all in. / where do we begin, to get clean again? / can we get clean again. / I walk home alone with you, in the mood you're born into. / sometimes you let me in, and I take it on the chin. / i can't get clean again. I wannna know, can we get clean again / the god of wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car that / took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go. / we can't get back again. / you can't get back again. / she takes a drink and then she waits. / the alcohol it permeates. / and soon the cells give way, and cancels out the day. / I can't keep it all together. / (It's the wound, stuck underneath the moon.)

I know . / I can't keep it all together. / (It's the wound, stuck underneath the moon.) / and the siren's song that is your madness, / holds a truth I can't erase, / all alone on your face. / every glamorous sunrise, throws the planets out of line. / a star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac. / and the god of wine is crouched down in my room. / you let me down, I said it.
now I'm going down, and you're not even around. / and I said a no.

and there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you. / searching for something I could never give you. / there's someone who understands you more than I do. / a sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.

2010-01-23T19:29:00.001-08:00

they were these painless truths.

2010-01-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

moving into mansfield. kaub. e. greg. houck. los angeles, july 2009.

- photo taken by lo.

2010-01-20T21:23:00.001-08:00

downtown la. rain 101. january 2010.

head in the clouds. takeoff from sunset plaza. los angeles, january 2010.

dreamed.

purple coats.
rain.

my own space to look down at the city i loved.

dreamed.

sudden downpours
clearing.

the sun touched my face through opened roofs on our descent.

dreamed.

sudden clarification
stunned.

i tap of my hand against the beat to what i dreamed
and, in the distance, follow an ascending escape.

2010-01-20T19:25:00.000-08:00

...knocked on my ass.

upcoming attraction 24 -> 25.

day 4. closet and bathrooms

2010-01-20T08:31:00.001-08:00

2010-01-19T01:09:00.000-08:00

doughnuts.

chris. greg. andrew. mansfield, january 2010.

2010-01-18T01:23:00.000-08:00

first night of chanukah. silverlake.

dropping in the first latke. benji. december 2009.

latkes. december 2009.

chris benji and ariel. candles lit. december 2009.

ariel. chris. benji. december 2009.

christopher and benji. december 2009.

"going swimmingly"

2010-01-16T18:51:00.000-08:00

and for bub in china:

2010-01-16T10:39:00.001-08:00

"what man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. what he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by him."

-viktor frankl

2010-01-15T20:26:00.000-08:00

there was this secret shared,
unkept.
it spread like a wildfire.
till my own transparency is unavoidable.

i write these stories
aloud.
and shared a wind that
would knock everyone on their feet.

i place my hands
on the ground
to show you
how sorry
i am.

i used the word
too much.

and find no peace
in my inability to
separate myself
from it all.

i'm sorry that i'm asking for this tissue back.

there's someone else
that needs it
more than
you.

you.

you.