i
traced
your every word
with mauve colored pencils

although they are erased
i see lines of faded purple
hide some of the most
beautiful things i've
ever heard.

we passed the beams of
the lighthouse at around 3am.

we pulled over on sam simeon road,
smoke a cigarette as we sang
tiny dancer.

i told you about my first memory.
you tell me about yours.
then exchange stories about
the songs we put on our mixes.

arriving at sunrise,
we slumber until the gates open for us.



i died that weekend,
then woke up
with elation
that i had
just discovered
what it felt like to be loved.






th
at
's
w
h
at
imeant.

finishing my flask of jack daniels,
shaun carefully parallel parks the car
i hand my ID to the bouncer,
and see a blonde girl at the bar as i turn the corner.
an old friend i made in london, charlie.
she greets me with a smile and long hug.
i can tell she is smiling even though i can't see her face.
i am too.

she buys me a whiskey drink
i tell her about work
we promise to hang out soon
i retreat to the smoking room and sit next to aki.
shaun's liter of beer sweats on the table,
he hands me a coupon to buy a pack a cigarettes at the bar
for a $1.50.
we smoke our cigarettes and head to the stage.

lee katie and chris enter through the crowd,
we're each greeted with three hugs.
katie and i step aside for a cigarette.
i buy another drink.
shaun aki and i retreat back to the smoking room.
we get so caught up with talking
that we miss all but one song of the band we came to see.

waiting to order another round,
lee katie and chris come to say goodbye and
to wish me a happy early birthday.

aki shaun and i leave the bar half an hour before midnight.

approaching my apartment
aki asks why shaun was dropping me off -
"i want to buy all of us jack in the box,"
he explained.
offering me a ride to work the next morning,
i run inside to get my things for work
and jump back in the car.

we are greeted to a tired colin and sleeping jess
at their house.
they wish me a happy birthday.
i look to confirm with the clock that midnight had passed.

i slept more peacefully that night than i have in awhile.

so. happy.
so. goddamn. happy.

those few minutes
turned into the rest of the night.
i feel silly for
calling you so much
then waiting
for the invitation
that never
arrived.

two years ago this weekend.

there was a discussion about
entitlement.
although that word did not appear once
during our conversation.
that's what we meant.

it's like
the time we never talked about
the painful details.
the thought was there,
but never actualized.

these were the nights of clarity
you listened to the beat
while i caught on to new words
of a familiar feeling.

and while i start
to clear my slates,
i take note of the happy absences
and the pain
of too much company.

i don't expect you
to understand
why it was so hard for me
but i am almost sure
that somewhere
you felt the same, too.