my father was a communist
my mother, a hippy born a few years too late.

i am a mesh of good ideas and generous intentions,
with no title to bear.

and then Donnie reintroduces another song.



"let the sadness be the melody to your laughter."

ke-nu and paula.



ha.

boone.stoked
houck. defeated



joy in the smallest victories.

"On the train back to King city from his trip to Salinas, Adam Trask was in a cloud of vague forms and sounds and colors. He was not conscious of any thought at all.

I believe there are techniques of the human mind whereby, in its dark deep, problems are examined, rejected or accepted. Such activities sometimes concern facets a man does not know he has. How often one goes to sleep troubled and full of pain, not knowing what causes the travail, and in the morning a whole new direction and a clearness is there, maybe the result of the black reasoning. And again there are mornings when ecstasy bubbles in the blood, and the stomach and chest are tight and electric with joy, and nothing in the thoughts to justify it or cause it."

john steinbeck. east of eden.

before noon i headed to his place
sitting in back with headphones
he looked down and didn't
acknowledge me until i put my hand out to him.

he didn't laugh as much as usual,
the person i'd normally turned to for a revival,
defeated in his head
we imagined his dreams slipping through his hands.

finishing the last bits we put together,
i had a drunken rush of honesty.
listening to the most familiar voice in the world,
i expressed my intuition.

how often we miss
the honesty that can end suffering.
and so i set myself on fire,
for the last bits of warmth to get us through today.

"there needs to be a revival."

when looking for employment
sometimes i turn on the tv
and get these fucking songs stuck in my head.
then laugh about it when i catch myself
singing.

i <3 d'angelo in all his glory.


COME ON, DUDE PLEASE! from EMMYLAND on Vimeo.

come on, dude please.
emily-jane/d'angelo collaboration

perched in a tree
i stared out into the dark
while you talked about
the lack of accountability.
pseudo-hippies disguising selfishness
con men, all the same.

our mothers hoped
for grander dreams than the ones
we kept four ourselves.
money did not rule them,
but its importance in the equation, vital.

miscalculating
instincts.
they overlooked our desparation,
growing up gets harder
when you can't even
be weak in front of Her.

you used the word suffering.
i reached for a passive way to say it.
my buzzword was stoic.
unsure of where these roads would take us
i see you there
always waiting for me in the horizon.
newly arrived, too.

sexual altruism.

saturday.

monochromatic friend placed a hat on his head
he knew how beautiful he's gotten in the last few months,
making up for some interior short circuit.

before i blacked out
you called me,
sprawled out on the cold concrete
my chest felt like it was about implode.

breathing irregularly,
i slipped my fingers between my shirt buttons
pressed my fingers against my chest
and said a little prayer
in a text message.

pills?

dazed the next morning i hugged you goodbye
then thought about what you said

the
whole
ride
home.







"i have lot invested in others' happiness," he said nervously.





















i moved again.
spending individual time
with as many people
before things change.

i've learned a lot about human nature and human relationships.
its fragility. its curiosity. its futility.
its lack of accountability.
its desire for each to find their OWN sense of happiness.

and i have discovered a happiness
in the love for people
that i have projected myself against.

each, a canvas for my light drawings.

but incapable of knowing who i really was,
i failed at commitment
and moved on,
on my own again.

i really do feel like sometime soon i may...

for the sake
of what you told me
i finally saw you again,

ryan wanted me to find this song for you

sometimes
(only sometimes)
i get sad thinking
that this is all
we will ever be.

then i think about
what life was like
without you.

and i take it back.

lots of broken.