i used to have these colorful visions
into your calculating mind,
when you would describe to me
the sound your thoughts made
when they finally filtered through
the foggy windows.

morning had sprung up on us again.

your smug smile filled the space
between us in paralyzing silence

my heart skips a few beats,
then patters out of control just
before your naked body turns flush.
the heat you omit causes my face to blush
as i feel the familiar trembling of your hands.

grey were the eyes glossed over in instant amnesia.
your pretty words soil my black clothes
with white streaks across my heavy chest.

and when everyone else wakes,
they find me sleeping on the cold wooden floor
curled under the kitchen table.

i have mastered this one already - my reaction.
learning to act just as confused to how i got there
as you - when you would later wake in the morning
mysteriously naked, alone in your bed.


these games we would play,
i am just too old for now.

for now.

an old letter i just found.


goodbyes to ben.

I do believe in fate.
I believe in luck.
I believe in karma.

I believe that genuinely loving another human being can open your eyes to these things.
I believe that friendship is the perfect tool to mold our perspectives of this world.
And I believe that loving your friends makes the most sense of constructing who you are.

With that being said. I am doing very well on this side of the continent. I look at these photographs I’ve collected this year – the progression - portraits have become my affirmation of love. There is a single image I have of each of my friends –
the most beautiful photographs I have ever taken are of people in my life... the ones whose love I recognize deeply.

The moments these particular images were taken, seem to always appear after I the realization had passed, that I really cared about that individual.

I remember images of you on that Sunday walk before you left. So much has happened since the time we said goodbye just around the corner of that park.

I was so sure that we’d see each other again on some junction on the long roads ahead.

And between the time I last sent you and email, and now - a completely new world has opened up to me, and I wish I could dispose of all these great epiphanies and life changing moments. But even I cannot remember all of them – some moments will flash into my head months later without me thinking once about them.

There have been so many.

But I will tell you that I had the most incredible spiritual experience in my life during my spring break – that has since stemmed into the evolution of someone more loving, open.

And lately I listen to lyrics even more carefully than before and attach memories to these words that have already been constructed. I pretend as though they create the moments – even if they don’t. I allow the words to suffocate the moment, the beat to trap it in a box. Hoping that these sounds that keep repeating in these moments will one day hold memories that I cannot hold myself.

I’ve realized how quickly people come in and out of my life – the impact I am capable of making on them and (even more) the impact they make on mine. The key to that was trust. And while you will be let down by allowing everyone in your life that trust, you find these golden pieces that you hold on to for dear life.

I’ve learned something special in my relationships with this House - I wish my words could capture that.
But I feel constrained (which is why I write in the broken lines and sentences like I do).

Life is absolutely beautiful to me these days.

The fleeting nature of the friendships joined with the lasting moments and words we’ve exchanged make it a difficult, but needed fork in this particular road.

As have been the roads I’ve left before.

But my last piece of wisdom that I want to share with you from these last few months of my life came from an interview I did with one of my best friend’s dads. For my class I was asked to interview and adult and discuss the development of their religious and spiritual/philosophical experience. We met every Wednesday for a month – until the morning the paper was due.

Four hours before I would turn in my paper, at the end of our talk he told me, “Ian… I know that you the nature of your studies and just the way you think about things will often lead you wandering off the “path” – but realize, that as lonely and lost as you may feel straying off… at some point you will find someone else out there wandering too. You’ll find these sojourners that question and study living as much as you do. They will challenge you in ways you’ve never known, but they will also be the gateway to something even more beautiful. Don’t be afraid to wander off the road – you’ll find something greater… beautiful about life when you do.”

I find myself straying off my paths – finding you. finding friends that I will keep with me forever. but most importantly, I find some peace. Unconditional love.

That is what makes my world go round.
That is all that makes sense to me.
These fleeting moments and these wandering people.

We find the greatest love in those people experiences significant change at the same time we ourselves are experiencing it.

I hope you’re finding yourself out there.
And I look forward to seeing you again.

Until then – keep writing. I really do miss these words we exchange.

All my love,
e

currently watching: hope for haiti.

on a retarded third-eye-blind kick.

every thought that I repent / there's another chip you haven't spent / and you're cashing them all in. / where do we begin, to get clean again? / can we get clean again. / I walk home alone with you, in the mood you're born into. / sometimes you let me in, and I take it on the chin. / i can't get clean again. I wannna know, can we get clean again / the god of wine comes crashing through the headlights of a car that / took you farther than you thought you'd ever want to go. / we can't get back again. / you can't get back again. / she takes a drink and then she waits. / the alcohol it permeates. / and soon the cells give way, and cancels out the day. / I can't keep it all together. / (It's the wound, stuck underneath the moon.)

I know . / I can't keep it all together. / (It's the wound, stuck underneath the moon.) / and the siren's song that is your madness, / holds a truth I can't erase, / all alone on your face. / every glamorous sunrise, throws the planets out of line. / a star sign out of whack, a fraudulent zodiac. / and the god of wine is crouched down in my room. / you let me down, I said it.
now I'm going down, and you're not even around. / and I said a no.

and there's a memory of a window, looking through I see you. / searching for something I could never give you. / there's someone who understands you more than I do. / a sadness I can't erase, all alone on your face.