manhattan water.towers : natalie bedroom window

the commune.

there is a distance that separates myself from a familiar community. i shot off running from everything i knew, and found myself more lost now that i was just dealing with myself.

i grew up in a home that varied between four other siblings, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, strays, lovers. i functioned in the absence of the women while they worked to put food on our table. i pretended that i knew how to cook, experimenting with whatever sweet ingredients we could find around the kitchen. i lured other kids to my bedroom window - singing lion king songs out the second story window.

prisoners to our home, because we were alone - i learned to entertain myself in my imagination. my brothers and i learned to role-play more perfect lives together.

i grew up in a home where i filled in mother when we were left alone, holding the key to the house for the three of us after school. i packed lunches in the morning when my grandma moved back to the philippines.

this was the only unit i knew.
a brotherhood, as its caretaker.

and i carried that everywhere i went.




i've recently realized just how much i have to learn about that. i realized what i was running from. four days ago i was at the end of my rope - my thoughts started colliding with myself. i learned of the emptiness in a man that cannot fulfill who they believe they are meant to be.

remember when i warned you about the danger of living merely to survive?
we resist change. and struggle on the daily grind.
leaving time only for the stagnation of our imagination.

i continue resisting being that man.

7 Deep Water - Portishead

[los angeles. employed. text dump 9]

okay dear dir, this is getting ridiculous we need to chat, it has been pathetically too long. Im calling you tomorrow. Miss you xoxo.

just saw milk with boone and chouck. so fucking good man. james franco is a stud.

tomorrow! =)

thank you too. i love you. i'll try to come back soon.

i'm colde. thinking of going to the smell tonight tho. are you back in la?

woooord. see you soon!

word. i'm going to a show with lee and katie and some people. where are you staying tonight?

picture of our last cigarette butts in the tray, so you are in la?

no good. get better. tell everyone 'hi' for me.

yes! you should come by!

wft nooooo. i'm in san diego til tomorrow night.

isn't my bed awesome

did you love that video or wot! hahahaha

so jealous my mouth is wattering! how did the interview go? home for good now?

know about wether or not you got the job?!? geez. let me know. sending some good karma your way.

campus. i has class at 330? what's up baby? you here?

just heading home tonight. rain check.

hey dude. sorry for being MIA. my job has gotten insane last couple weeks and taken over my life. hope your interview went well.

e i don't know if we can hang out tonight. too much to do! big boo but i'll talk to you very soon!

sounds nice, have a good day brah.

awww. ya i may have lost her. happy singles awareness day! i miss you.

dinner is at 5 in ktown. i can drive you so let me know where you'll be. i'm in la crescenta at j-'s house right now.

i'm staying in orange county to spend time with my sister. she was at disneyland all day yesterday. sorry i didn't tell you earlier e. we need to get together soon.

i'm here.

omg. yay.

fuck yea!!! call me.

congraaaaaaaaaaaaats!!!

congrats. that's great!

nice dude! congrats =) i'm celebrating a raise right now.

yes! what's the job?

i'm so proud of you. fuck yeah! so glad you're back in la.

when do you start???

yesss! I am in vegas! ha.

omg congrats! what are you doing?!

sweet. sweet. employment.

and we ask again
for instant nostalgia
pixelated photoshopped
sepia tones
and grain.

even without a camera,
i find the process still the same.
wondering how to imprint
final hugs
awkward goodbyes
and the honkytonk music that
fit perfectly
to your madness.

the sun was going down.
we smoked our last cigarettes on the front porch.

b takes the last drags of his and stumbles into the house before me,
i. enter.
a. is cleaning up the game of scattegories.
i can see k. in the dining room, video camera in hand,
l. is signaling i. to be quiet as i. close the door.
everyone is trying hard not to laugh.
across from k. were b.e. and a.r.
a.r. held b.e.'s hand,
while b.e. finished some story about duct tape?
there there was talk about
love at first sight.

k. moved toward l.
g. moved toward a.

b. c. and i said our goodbyes.
they dropped i. off.
then b. came back.

cushioning what could have been a lot worse.
now, about that cigarette...