the commune.

there is a distance that separates myself from a familiar community. i shot off running from everything i knew, and found myself more lost now that i was just dealing with myself.

i grew up in a home that varied between four other siblings, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, strays, lovers. i functioned in the absence of the women while they worked to put food on our table. i pretended that i knew how to cook, experimenting with whatever sweet ingredients we could find around the kitchen. i lured other kids to my bedroom window - singing lion king songs out the second story window.

prisoners to our home, because we were alone - i learned to entertain myself in my imagination. my brothers and i learned to role-play more perfect lives together.

i grew up in a home where i filled in mother when we were left alone, holding the key to the house for the three of us after school. i packed lunches in the morning when my grandma moved back to the philippines.

this was the only unit i knew.
a brotherhood, as its caretaker.

and i carried that everywhere i went.




i've recently realized just how much i have to learn about that. i realized what i was running from. four days ago i was at the end of my rope - my thoughts started colliding with myself. i learned of the emptiness in a man that cannot fulfill who they believe they are meant to be.

remember when i warned you about the danger of living merely to survive?
we resist change. and struggle on the daily grind.
leaving time only for the stagnation of our imagination.

i continue resisting being that man.

7 Deep Water - Portishead