this morning i got the news
that you finally gave up.
you used the word "abandon"
in the middle of one of those
excessively long texts.

revel in the disillusionments
once we figure out
that neither of us were correct.
faulty rationalizations saved you,
and stripped me of love.

i discovered that
my happiness will not rest
in the craze of the selfish.

i, wounded,
need outa here.

a little bit of tenderness.

i tried a little side of tenderness,
and found myself watching a conversation
between a gay father and his son
about discovering what love is.

the fine details of the writing and editing
sent a chill up and and down my spine -
i found myself crying and laughing at the same time.

it's a quiet gem that i hope gets some momentum.

everyone needs a little bit of tenderness.

BEGINNERS

it's painful to see how much resentment my vessel holds.

today's horoscope. (washington post)

Get out there among new people and work your charms -- meeting people just for the sake of meeting people will invigorate you now. It's all about feeding off the energy of strangers and learning how to transition a relationship from small talk into deeper conversations. Every time you connect with someone a bolt of positive energy will warm your heart and give you yet another level of confidence in who you are and where your place is in the world.

went to introduce miles to pistol and paisley.
then greta and drew showed me this gem:

this is the process of realizing
my unhealthy dependency on all of them.

i lost my voice in all this fucking banter.


... to seek the fulliment of real love for oneself,
i wave my hands in the air
and wish you the best
without me.

wall of sound.



the morning benders.

ask. and you shall receive.

thank you, mr. kielty.

http://yesyesyall.org/#/jonathan_harris_today

times are a changin'. good.

PISCES [Feb 19 - Mar 20]

We have just entered a monumental week for you Pisces as Neptune, your ruling planet, entered your sign and has not been in this place for 164 years. Because of how slow Neptune moves, it will stay at zero degrees with this initiation and will dip back into Aquarius one last time in early August until February 2012. That six month swing will reflect a period of final culmination and healing for your Soul. What this time is about, now that your ruler is in your its home sign, is fueling new dreams and ideals that are soon to be born. It may be that at some point when Neptune ventures back into Aquarius again that you have to clear some final inner space for those new desires to be fully launched. But for now, allow yourself to put some color to a blank canvas.

With a power packed lineup of planets in Aries filling your second house, all of your values are shifting. You may feel some fear surrounding all that feels so unfamiliar but with Venus in your sign, you will be reminded of the true and beautiful benefits of the coming change.

who am i?

Who am I? That is a simple question, yet it is one without a simple answer. I am many things—and I am one thing. But I am not a thing that is just lying around somewhere, like a pen, or a toaster, or a housewife. That is for sure. I am much more than that. I am a living, breathing thing, a thing that can draw with a pen and toast with a toaster and chat with a housewife, who is sitting on a couch eating toast. And still, I am much more.

I am a man.

And I am a former baby and a future skeleton, and I am a distant future pile of dust. I am also a Gemini, who is on the cusp.
I am “brother” and I am “son” and I am “father” (but just according to one person, who does not have any proof but still won’t seem to let it go). Either way, I am moving very soon and not letting her know about it. I am asking you to keep that between us.

I am trustworthy and loyal, but at the same time I am no Boy Scout. No, I am certainly not. I am quite the opposite, in fact. And by opposite I do not mean Girl Scout. No. I mean Man Scout. And by that I do not mean Scout Leader. In fact, I am not affiliated with the Scouts at all. Let’s just forget about the Scouts and Scouting altogether, O.K.?

I am concepts and thoughts and feelings and outfits. And I am each of these all at once, unless I am in the shower. Then I am not outfits, because that would be uncomfortable.

To some I am known as Chief. And these are usually people who work in Radio Shack or try to sell me shoes. To others I am known as Buddy. These are people who dwell in bars and wonder if I’ve got a problem or what it is that I am “looking at.” And to still others, who are in that same bar, standing just off to the side, I am “Get Him!”

I am he and I am him. I am this and I am that. And I am, from time to time, Roberta, if I am in a chat room.

People have known me by many titles. In high school, I was Student and Key Club Vice-President and Queer Bait. In college, I was Pledge and then Disappointed and then Transfer Student. I am still amazed at how picky certain so-called “brotherly” organizations can be. And I am actually glad that they didn’t choose me for their stupid fraternity.

To some I am fantasy, and to others I am Frank, mostly because I have told them that this is my name—even though it is not even close to my name. I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.

I am what I eat. And I am this especially when I bite my nails.

I have been called Hey, You! and Get Out of the Way! and Look Out! And then, some time later, Plaintiff.

I am my own worst critic. I am going to give you an example. “That’s not me enough” is the kind of thing I am prone to say about myself. See what I mean? I am sure you do.

I am the silent majority.

I am a loud minority.

I am not talking about Puerto Ricans when I say that, because I am not a racist. I am just clearing that up. In fact, I am pretty sure I have at least one friend from each of the races (Hi, Guillermo).

I am friend. I am foe. I am fo’ sho’. What up, y’all?

I am sorry about that. I was just talking to one of my race friends, a black one. I am white and I am black. And I am both of these when I am dressed as a mime. And then I am sh-h-h.

I am Batman, but only on Halloween. And then I am not invited to many parties. But I am fine with that, because that just makes me an even more accurate Batman (because Batman does not go to parties as Batman but only as Bruce Wayne). I am right about this.

I am someone who likes to go to the park. But I am not the guy with the Labrador retriever and the tennis ball and the tattered book under his arm, who is wearing fleece and is kind of tan. No. I am not that guy. I am sick of that guy and all the women who talk to him.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the Other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around on a beach for too long.
I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

I am the sun. I am the moon. I am the rain, I am the earth. I am these when I am taking mushrooms with Kevin. I am good friends with Kevin. I am not sure what Kevin’s last name is.

I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I am often the one they call You but I am no more You than you. I am me. And I am more Me than you are or can ever be. And one time I was Corey for almost five minutes while I was talking with a stranger, until she realized that I was not her friend Corey.

I am neither here nor there, but there—a little to the left. Yeah. That’s me.

I am waving at you. I am waving right at you now.

I am looking right at you.

I am sensing that you don’t know me. I am starting to feel awkward.

I am getting out of here. ♦

-by Demetri Martin

"wizard therapy"

(spread 1).

She continued, “You’ve got to take a really good look at yourself and see what it really there… you’re meant to succeed but the current environment isn’t right. If a word repeated in my head for you, it would be ‘enhancement.’ This card shows that you have a hard time focusing – and when you have idle hands your mind goes into that place that keeps you from progressing… It looks like there’s some thing in the way of you reaching this card – you’re meant to do well in what you do and find someone you deserve…”

radio head.

i always had this picture in my mind
of you walking out on me.

you were naked,
confessing your love to me
crying, with an erection.

and all along your eyes were telling me
that you wouldn't remember a thing

Mumford and Sons - Awake My Soul from Thomas Henley on Vimeo.

wake up, bro.

LA.FAMILIA november 2010

bff, etc.

we tallied the marks on the concrete wall
settling into the past that could clear us
of the names we left for ourselves

what were the legacies of something
so tragic and so bright.
this white glimmered, til blinding.

crescendos did
what they did.

you fucked me.
twice.
an hour passed once the hour struck.

and you were gone
as sunrise

with more of your
bullshit rationalization.
you came twice
before i
did.

beautiful, huh?

the taxi is waiting downstairs.
maybe you should get back to your girlfriend, again.