i carried these words on my fingertips
waiting for the girl in the green dress
to light her cigarette.
we finished the bottle, tossed it to the side
and we walked back into the crowded restaurant.

she kept her white gloves on,
shoved everyone aside with one hand,
pulling me behind her with the other.
all i remember after that
was dizzy laughter.

and that i had to go to the bathroom again.

i sat across from you tonight at dinner.
her drunk squeal made me laugh,
you nervously accepted the obligatory hand squeeze.
i pull away again
excusing myself with a cigarette.

i call home to see how they felt before their show,
i felt like a guilty mother
missing her son's big gig.
no answer.

having no one to speak to,
i listened carefully to the noise around me,
started singing a song
then though about what you said.
i remember the sound of your voice
when your optimism turned against you.

rewards will follow, i promise.

i find myself smoking this cigarette alone again
and find comfort in the rain clouds quickly passing
as this reverb rattles my skin.

outbox 1. purging my mailbox.

i blacked out after crying and saying bye to boone. it was fun. lots of people.

it's cool. i'll see you when i'm roaming these parts again. i love you.

morning. i'm up and about. ring me when you're up! i have luca's car so i can come and get you! need to steal some musica from you today too.

treehouse.

i'm on the second song of the first cd and you've already win. i love you.

just passed the CA state line (1/14/09 4:33pm)

i've cried four times today. miss you too.

listened to your mix as we entered empty arizona. smoked and stared out the window. know i'm thinking abot you the whole way through. love, e. (1/15/09 5:05pm)

new mexico. didn't make it to grand canyon before dark. got there right after the sun was all the way down. (1/15/09 9:03pm)

austin. just got to new mexico. 15 more hours without stopping.

all you can eat sushy yesterday in vegas. ran into hoover dam on the way to grand canyon but didn't make it before dark. now in new mexico on a straight to austin non stop. getting there around noon tomorrow when i plan to buy a handle of vodka. miss you. loves.

in austin. first thing we did. buy vodka (11/16/09 11:03am)

don't stress too much! have a ton of fun tonight... just got to austin. so weird being here. tell you about it later! call me sometime if you want to chat. break a leg. wish i could be there.

i can hear you singing from here.

in dc for inauguration.

i have zorina in dc. she left her phone in ny. she says sorry. she had to get a ride here at 5am.

good luck tonight babyboy. sure it'll be good.

yeah. starting at the capital right now with zorina. the city is crazy right now! no worries. i'll talk to you soon.

yeah. with a friend real quick. he was working all week and called right before i talked to you. had a drink with him. leaving in a second. sorry! he's by gwu.

ha. i just got hit on by a girl saying i looked like the best dressed hipster at this ball. OMG! obama just walked in.

new york (1/22/09 1:56pm)

on our way from queens just now.

going to dumbo.

i'm at the park where you eat lunch.

luca is out of control. finally alseep. i'm not letting him drink anymore!

just woke up. telling luca about last night. he's embarrassed. going to lunch with brian then heading to city for a bit.

um i think you're sending texts to the wrong person. dinner and lube?

waiting for luca to get out. moca just closed. taking sub to you next!

kirsten dunst is sitting right next to me at this bar. vomit.

watching billy elliot

i'm so homesick.

i just won front row rush tickets to wicked in ny! thinking of you.

in manhat. just let me know what you want to do and how to meet. we can subway to you if that's easier. staying in soho tonight.

buying a bottle of vodka now. should we preparty at your place? after dinner?

just got home from the bars. i'll call you at 8 if i'm going to make it. pretty gone at the momment. didn't mean to be out this late. sorry if i don't make it.

bar with nish stefo and luca. how's the new home? i miss you. call you when we leave here.

everything cool? coming to la in a couple weeks for that interview. confirmed today. hope this finds you well. it's been an enlightening journey. can't wait to share with you soon. love.

new york. i miss you dearly. retardedly home sick.

damn! how are you functioning!? we got towed and fixed the car. heading to stefo then ehading out. it was really good seeing you. love you. see you in a few months.

with stefo then heading out to tennessee.

in tennessee with luca's aunt. so many white people and cowboys! omg! i feel so off. ha

cafe du monde for breakfast. french quarter. jambalaya and fried chicken for lunch. 9th ward. now harbor seafood for dinner. then back to austin. )2/2/09 2:05pm)

gah! 3 hours til austin. on week til la.

back in austin (2/2/09 10:24pm)

don't be afraid to reinvent yourself. bukowski told me that himself

thank you for everything. i miss you already. truly. i love you. take care of yourself until we're together again <3

flight is on time. see you at 830. terminal 4. american airlines. in n out?

godmother. i must be home. ha

hey dude! interview is friday at the earliest. so i'll be around if you want to hang out this week. let me know!

bakersfield to say hi to mom and such. i'll be at lo's tonight if not with chris. ring after practice have fun tonight. i want some red moon.

i miss you so much. started season to of oc today. hah. love

i hat life. it's one big joke.

I AM EMPLOYED!!! (2/18/09 3:38pm)

heading back now. good luck the next couple of days. see you sunday.

ha. yeah. just til tomorrow. start work next week. we'll hang soon. no worries. have fun this weekend.

will do. night bugger.

morning. change of plans. i'm in bakersfield. they are meeting me here instead of me picking them up in la. if you want to send something up with ryan or eric. good luck tomorrow. have a good weekend.

chao hit a coyote. waiting for tow truck. hour out. be there as soon as chaos car gets towed (2/20/09 11:04pm)

so apparently there's a shooting. they stopped all traffic on the freeway.

yeah. it was a struggle getting up here. chao fucked his car by hitting a coyote. then there was a shoot out on the freeway and we got stuck on the freeway for an hour. with greg and lauren now. lindsay is mostly moved out. so weird. glad to hear show went well. you around tomorrow?

my car just died on the freeway. fuck! i think we're stuck. eric's car is still being repaired.

it's a lot of things. i relate to charlie a lot. esp with his friends. i thought that maybe you would too.

interest in hanging out tomorrow? catch up and shit?

[text dump 10. back to la. and work]

i hate when things change so suddenly. new york wasn't reality.

hey dude! i found my phone! just a heads up bc we should get together and do some serious catching up.

thanks man. have a good time.

party downtown. tomorrow night. disco djs. interest?

all day brotha. i have have all kinds of family in town all weekend. you in town?

yeah, i forgot to clear up that on impetsby part ;p we would definitely move some people around. lo boone and ryan will be in my car up to bakersfield.

i hear a rumor about my favorite filipino coming to san fran...

you're secret is safe with me.

we are on our way to the gay bars by home and we just saw an amazing intricate machines show, and you're not here...

ha. hey it was great. now we're just enjoying the party. having fun up there? i really miss everyone.

i should be around. send my boundless love to everyone i'm missing.

holy shit. what do you do?

oh shit. i'm sorry.

hey! we are having a joint bdays party at our house for me annie ian and shaun on friday march 6th! so keep it open! see you there! <3 pisces

"perks wallflower" is too sad.

how was the first day of work!?

i really wish i could grow a beard. give me some of yours.

nah, do you have potatoes?

ya. let's.

bye bye. michelle : midvale. january 2009

sunday evening. lawrence : hayworth. december 2008

last cigarettes. shahin: treehouse. january 2009

"my second big couture shoot was done two years later with Ben Stiller. He just made Zoolander, a comedy about male models, and I decided to shoot a series of send-ups of fashion photography cliches.... I was seven and a half months pregnant at the time, and one morning at 5:30 I found myself on the quai, shooting an homage to some famous photographs by Melvin Sokolsky of models in a plastic bubble. we had reproduced the bubble and hired a crane and gotten some kind of permission to do this, although that was all left a little vague. stiller rather tentatively got in the bubble and the crane lifted it over the seine. stella tennant stood on the side looking arrogant in a red Christian Lacroix gown." -on work, annie leibovitz (pg 132, on fashion)

less than three weeks ago i read through this section in austin one morning, and i remember reading through these sentences over twice again. i attempted to picture these images in my head - of people in bubbles. and yet, i could not recall annie nor melvin's images. i imagined what my picture would maybe look like and how i could use these ideas in my own photography.

today, we were expecting a photographer to come in to sign one of his pieces. it was a nude of selma blair. i remember seeing it hung when i came for my first interview over six months ago.



in the midst of writing down notes about the art system, i was asked to come outside to meet the photographer. he was an older man looking over casey's shoulder to make sure he was handling his print correctly. it was a nude print of selma. gisele got his attention and said, "Melvin, i'd like to introduce you to the newest addition to our group here, Ian." I shook his hand then quickly got transfixed on his procedure of handling the print, finding a place to begin writing, then signing, dating, and labeling of the edition number. He circled his hand above the back of the print in circles, then finally gently pressed down to create a circle where he placed all the information. He turned the piece pack over and started discussing how the photo has grown on him. He talked about his intentions - the composition. lighting, setting, and subject. I made note to look through the art system of the images we had on stock of his photography (once i actually learned the system properly).

an hour before closing, gisele was asked to find a photograph that she thought was suitable for a certain client's grandmother. we stopped the busy work we were trying to complete together. she whispered, "this is the fun part about my job." she started racking her mind for ideas of particular images, then began searching through the database for particular artists. we looked through shapiros then moved onto melvin. while looking through images, she pulled out other photographs my melvin that she needed to get quotes for, and magically we stumbled into a section of women posing in clear bubbles.

melvin? ... just before i planned on going to bed, i pulled out my on work book to confirm whether or not i was making the correct connection. i reread this paragraph and am laughing hard inside realizing the coincidence.

Melvin Sokolsky.

downtown los angeles: griffith observatory

two weeks too early and one day late
before my expiration date.
timing was never my forte.

believing that i had the evidence
that my life was falling apart.
i could see the pity in their eyes,

making me a man who lacked
the respect of those he admired,
i traded in my ability to create.

i spoke on the phone last night
to one of a few friends i could communicate
clearly without witness of self-consciousness.

maybe the complete opposite.

it's strange that some things
can only begin to be real to us
when thoughts are turned to words.

and all of a sudden my problems with how i deal with things
finally exited my mind into words,
and then they were gone.


i biked ten minutes to work, showing up forty minutes early to my first day of work today.
i sorted through emails. learned about creating and storing contacts.
was introduced to a list of photographers (i'll soon be researching on my own time),
then learned about the pricing process and varieties with selling
works for current exhibitions, had lunch with all my co-workers and boss,
reorganized boxes of photographs while looking through the names
on the bindings of the library of photo books.

i laughed at everyone jokes and stayed mostly quiet.
following directions closely to carry out my tasks smoothly,
i finished my day with casey
mounting, framing, posting, and labeling my first photographs.







i hope i have just as much energy tomorrow.

manhattan water.towers : natalie bedroom window

the commune.

there is a distance that separates myself from a familiar community. i shot off running from everything i knew, and found myself more lost now that i was just dealing with myself.

i grew up in a home that varied between four other siblings, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, strays, lovers. i functioned in the absence of the women while they worked to put food on our table. i pretended that i knew how to cook, experimenting with whatever sweet ingredients we could find around the kitchen. i lured other kids to my bedroom window - singing lion king songs out the second story window.

prisoners to our home, because we were alone - i learned to entertain myself in my imagination. my brothers and i learned to role-play more perfect lives together.

i grew up in a home where i filled in mother when we were left alone, holding the key to the house for the three of us after school. i packed lunches in the morning when my grandma moved back to the philippines.

this was the only unit i knew.
a brotherhood, as its caretaker.

and i carried that everywhere i went.




i've recently realized just how much i have to learn about that. i realized what i was running from. four days ago i was at the end of my rope - my thoughts started colliding with myself. i learned of the emptiness in a man that cannot fulfill who they believe they are meant to be.

remember when i warned you about the danger of living merely to survive?
we resist change. and struggle on the daily grind.
leaving time only for the stagnation of our imagination.

i continue resisting being that man.

7 Deep Water - Portishead

[los angeles. employed. text dump 9]

okay dear dir, this is getting ridiculous we need to chat, it has been pathetically too long. Im calling you tomorrow. Miss you xoxo.

just saw milk with boone and chouck. so fucking good man. james franco is a stud.

tomorrow! =)

thank you too. i love you. i'll try to come back soon.

i'm colde. thinking of going to the smell tonight tho. are you back in la?

woooord. see you soon!

word. i'm going to a show with lee and katie and some people. where are you staying tonight?

picture of our last cigarette butts in the tray, so you are in la?

no good. get better. tell everyone 'hi' for me.

yes! you should come by!

wft nooooo. i'm in san diego til tomorrow night.

isn't my bed awesome

did you love that video or wot! hahahaha

so jealous my mouth is wattering! how did the interview go? home for good now?

know about wether or not you got the job?!? geez. let me know. sending some good karma your way.

campus. i has class at 330? what's up baby? you here?

just heading home tonight. rain check.

hey dude. sorry for being MIA. my job has gotten insane last couple weeks and taken over my life. hope your interview went well.

e i don't know if we can hang out tonight. too much to do! big boo but i'll talk to you very soon!

sounds nice, have a good day brah.

awww. ya i may have lost her. happy singles awareness day! i miss you.

dinner is at 5 in ktown. i can drive you so let me know where you'll be. i'm in la crescenta at j-'s house right now.

i'm staying in orange county to spend time with my sister. she was at disneyland all day yesterday. sorry i didn't tell you earlier e. we need to get together soon.

i'm here.

omg. yay.

fuck yea!!! call me.

congraaaaaaaaaaaaats!!!

congrats. that's great!

nice dude! congrats =) i'm celebrating a raise right now.

yes! what's the job?

i'm so proud of you. fuck yeah! so glad you're back in la.

when do you start???

yesss! I am in vegas! ha.

omg congrats! what are you doing?!

sweet. sweet. employment.

and we ask again
for instant nostalgia
pixelated photoshopped
sepia tones
and grain.

even without a camera,
i find the process still the same.
wondering how to imprint
final hugs
awkward goodbyes
and the honkytonk music that
fit perfectly
to your madness.

the sun was going down.
we smoked our last cigarettes on the front porch.

b takes the last drags of his and stumbles into the house before me,
i. enter.
a. is cleaning up the game of scattegories.
i can see k. in the dining room, video camera in hand,
l. is signaling i. to be quiet as i. close the door.
everyone is trying hard not to laugh.
across from k. were b.e. and a.r.
a.r. held b.e.'s hand,
while b.e. finished some story about duct tape?
there there was talk about
love at first sight.

k. moved toward l.
g. moved toward a.

b. c. and i said our goodbyes.
they dropped i. off.
then b. came back.

cushioning what could have been a lot worse.
now, about that cigarette...