removal of familiarity
sensitization to environment
novel feelings in our capacity to change.

muted intonations
misunderstood meaning via written word
genius is all the things never spoken.

love uprooted
dispersed around abandoned bodies
compassion meant holding you a little longer.

understand mutuality
tender words suddenly let me go
anticipation in the excitement to start all over again.

[holiday text dump. tres.]

* the feeling is mutual. i want to be home too! fuck!

*stop getting wasted without me! i'm etting jealous. be home with coke soon.

*lets move to portland

*bako then sf. talk tomorrow would be great. <3

*i thought i was more brave or mature about thise but i can't do this anymore. you don't know the extent of my feelings. i know that very well at this point. i can't handle bein around you and her kissing and making plans together in front of me. i'll always love you and that may be a problem for both of us. but this is too painful for me. i know this relationship is no longer mutual and perhaps that is the end of this story. i am sorry.

*be safe. i love you too.

*watching a sad japanese romance movie sober with fei. i want to get booze! come home!

*death by boredom

* are you two in love yet? ha! way to score a doubel date! i want to come back like now.

*coming back tomorrow for sure. let's get rowdy!

*trying grapevine closed. now stuck.

*at splash cafe in pismo. bringing some chowder home!

*not yet. been on the road for 7 hours now.

*i think i'm just going to go home. just want to be on my couch at hom. and dave has been watign for me there for a couple of hours.

*i just exited getting. now i'm stuck in worse traffic. and i can see the freeway and now it's coasting. i think the world hates me right now.

*he is back at castro

* i think i'm leavin for good after the new year.

*going with luca to austin. may stay if i can get a bookstore or grocery job

*too much was happening and i got sad that we are not able to hang out much anymore without everyone else around., there is more than that but that is part of it. just feel like you don't have much time for me anymore.

*fuck! i was hoping that wasn't the case. sorry. yes. me and donnie and luca are. and i think we're bringing shahin too.

*ring me when you land.

*french toast eggs and potatoes.

my flight got cancelled =(

hey! are you going to colin's thing tonight?? just wondering if i will be seeing you there =)

ooo fuuuuck. we're coming

flight was cancelled again. i'll keep you all posted.

sus is on my flight!

don't know if i will be flying anytime soon. probably headed to the airpot tomorrow to try and get flight anyway. we will see what happens.

bummer bro.

omg. omg.

i know ur prob sleeping but i'm not and i have something to tell you tomorrow that kind of blew my world if it wasn't weird enough already.

hey ian andrew and i just signed our leas in west hollywood!

look e i really need to get that target bag from you it's in your car. i tried calling you twice last night about it

ya we still have some shit to work out. maybe you need more time away from me.

i miss you =(

just landed. have to get an emergency medical person off the plane then i will head outside and call you

thanks man... see you in a few months bro. take care and party hard.

no need to apologize...! make it out to orange county so i can buy you dinner in the next three months and we'll call it even! merry christmas brother.

happy christmas. and chappy chanukkah. to you and yours. <3

what's gong on homes. what are you doing this merry christmas day?

omg. 3 bacon wrapped dishes. wtf?

merry christmas! bako was good but brief. on my way back because we didn't want them to close the grapevine on us. hope you're having a good one. <3

without a doubt. merry christmas. 2;35AM 12/26/08

christ was alright... going to a get together now. how did yours go?

i understand. i was looking forward to seeing you. but we wiill work something out. have a safe trip. enjoy urself.

wish i was there. so jealous.

twelve-forty-five.
you show up with three novels wrapped
in tacky christmas paper.
humbling me.

fifteen minutes later,
a reunion of the most familiar
unit of my life,
a kind reminder
of rooted compassion.

wrapped in the quilt
you selected the fabric for
i slept for three hours
before the next reunion.

tamales and mimosa dreams
tossing your baby
followed by a constant chatter
of laughter.

another year would take us
after i turned my hand goodbye.

then to homes
where blessings were mantras
to find nourishment
from shrinking bank accounts.
she joked about the
larger christmas cards,
an apology for the weight
we now must carry.

playing the games of divorce,
holidays were learned routines,
before the sun would set
another home.
another family.

i watch in awe at my grandmother manning the kitchen,
my mom, second in the command
even though george did most of the cooking.

familiar smells.
carry me through the company.
embarrassed, i sit alone a few minutes
in the quiet bedroom.

i am reminded of all the people in my life.
and the capacity to get by
on the hope
that they don't even realize they give me.

and just before the clock struck midnight, once again.
you showed up at my home
i stood in the cold now,
anticipating seeing you all day.

without a space inside any home for us,
i never expected that we would spend
that short time
saying things for the first time.

all that talking made the lights glow through foggy windows -
the way they used to when we came home for christmas.
a foggy afterglow, i felt thanks and tiredness equally.

parking tickets paid with christmas money.
three books. new shoes
and two bags of clean clothes
sit piled,
waiting for me to leave home again

happy holidays from the hayworth famiry.

although this silence is all we have left
know that i have that song that always reminded
me of you on repeat in my head.

better than any mix tape i could give you for christmas.



__________________________________

prayers and blessing.

may a light burn in you always
the day i can no longer carry it for you.
and may the simple gestures
remind you how i once loved you.
and may you recognize and embrace it
before midnight spells have faded.

and may joy find you.
and me.
_______________________________

text dump [three]

seriously you just bounced like that? peace.

wow a bit sensitive, even for you. occur to you that i might not be in a bad mood at all? maybe it's time to cut back on the weed.

dude you're seriously making something out of nothing. maybe i was momentarily surprised because i thought you were eating one of my ramens without asking me.

108 withdrawal.

but dude it's free. a secret show with chairlift! my friend is in the band. come one you can't miss it.

i don't have enough monety

allie is home! we're just going to hang out at home. what about you?

god damnit! i wish.

i have just listened to this symphony which mozart dashed off in one day and it had enough wild and crazy joy to last forever, whatever forever is - bukowski. plans for the holiday? talk tomorrow?

ok. keep me up to date about the camera thing. talk to you soon

so do we not talk now? are you still coming thursday?

i have nothing to say. once again. i'm just at a loss for words. what's supposed to change?

you got a minute to chat?

coming homes.

hang out with me and shaunathan taylor thomas.

sorry didn't get a chance to say bye. didn't want to wake yo up. see you in a few days. i have donnie the garage clicker. love you ian.

dude we just parked. daveo is way too drunk. he's immobile.

is that supposed to sound nice?

sex party

wasted as well just holla at you

how much would you want for a "ride" home

don't worry about it baby! at the flyaway now. miss and love you!

he just left. sigh. miss you. sigh.

jet is on its way.

glad to have you back. love you.

i guess i understand why you want to get out, but i still don't get what happened the other week.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Lover you shouldve come over - Jeff Buckley

too young to hold on. and too old to just break free and run.

i no longer need this audience
for these thoughts to be true.
our lives turned into a circus,
and now the curtain is falling.

i possess the intentions, compassion, and love of a mother
in the body of a middle-aged father.

once i sort through this fact,
i can begin this conversation
about naming sexuality.

undocumented days.

triggered actions that move painfully slow
creep across the perpetually shifting distance.
the full moon seems closer tonight
palming havoc spells meant to mystify us.
foggy roads could not be shared.
we head in opposite directions.
our choices planned without the unexpected
margin of error.

something like a failing imagination.

fei. ricky. donnie. luca. e.

home. by lawrence wong.

nonrecurring.

friday night.


danielle. lee. kuz. ariel. e. annie. boone. dave. stefo. mayo. jose. grock. jack.

"my experience the last 4 days can be expressed in very marxist/hegelian terms. essentially, marx built his theory on the hegelian notion of thesis, antithesis, synthesis. as in the stages of history. so thursday was the thesis. one of the worst nights of my life. the antithesis of that night was friday, one of the most fun nights i've ever had with any group of people. and saturday/sunday has been the synthesis, emotions of both, but overall positive!"

circular histories intertwined too tightly.

the tattered rope snapped.
and i fell right into the heart
of an asparagus lasagna.

a little lost.

i spend the rare time i get with you these days
watching you play on your computer
until you announce that you're too tired
once an actual conversation starts.

once upon a time we knew each other well
better than ourselves, perhaps.
and once upon a time we could let these
idle moments pass us by

but i count the moments that aren't ours now
and maybe wish you were never in my life to begin with,
so i wouldn't have anything to miss...
not even your angry, passive silence.

i don't wait for your phone call anymore.
instead, i cook dinners and watch movies
until i can figure out an escape plan
from this mess i placed myself into.

documented.
recorded.
published.
arrived.
reunited.
departed.
sang.
cried.
cooked.
cleaned.
defied.
asked why.
drove.
came.
threw up.
listened.

remembered,
i'm the only sober one tonight.



wig in a box. stephen trask.

an alien voice woke me up this morning
from a slumber i could not really fall into.
missing identity without cards to validate.
a call from the unknown,
turned out to be a voice i needed to hear today.
i only recognized it was him
by the guessing game he continued to play.
then the familiar laugh after he heard my giggle.
"do not place fear into any of the decision you make,"
my receptive nature soaked in his words

holding hands you came.
and holding hands you left.
as i kicked and caused the trash to tumble.
i keep waking from naps
reaching for something to smoke or drink.
incapable of keeping up.

i keep waking up,
you outside my doorway to remind me
of an exterior idea made by my own imagination.

she said i could be her sidekick.
maybe i'll be straight, too.

text dump 2.

thank you so much for comin babe! lez hang asap! xoxo

thanks e. i love you.

i'm at a crazy mob celebration in front of the whitehouse with thousands of people. history has been made! fucking pandemonium

what made kylle li such a good performer? let's make art project tomorrow. face paint.

hey ian. when you are with dave today will you have him call me? gracias. i can't to give you a hug tonight!

ian all of the gay los angeles is on wilshire protesting making history. while you are watching a movie about making gay history. love you.

i'm so sorry i've been mia my friend! we will get together very soon. lunch on me. i hope everything is healthy and happy... i'm just been organizing my life that has...

hey. if you're with michelle will you tell her i'm sorry! i was so stressed about missing my flight i didn't talk to her. and just realized it.

hanging at my place. come over if you will.

fuck. sounds amazing. i'll know if i can by wednesday.

fuck. fell asleep as soon as i got home from store. just woke up. call me as soon as you wake up. let's meet up early. so sorry about tonight.

jobess and homeless in portland. give me a call whenever. hope you're well.

you awake? - 2.26am

sorry i'm fucking hooked on this show.

love you. even when you're in closets. espeically when you redecorate crowded apartments.

maybe if you want to meet me at work =)

fuck my life ohio can suck my dick you have no idea how cold and shitty it is right now i am fucking moving.

if you are scared, you don't have to be

eman. we is picking up nina tomorrow. gonna bring her to LA and meet up with you for lunch. Sound good? Good. Love, Colin and Jess.

good. did he say he was a fucking bitch

hey you wanna come over for indian food pizza? and some wall e

that's so far away from now. having ian withdrawal.

lunch today? 130 at la brea and highland if you're interested.





and as a result of the past two days, things to do today:
lunch
post office
cancel atm cards
bring broken cameras to bel-air
dmv - get a new license
create ftp server.

exhale.

i needed yesterday to happen.
to understand the difference
between who i am with you
and without you.

scattertones project: completed.

new things i am loving.

pisoy dos.
finding old friends.
making new friends.
leftovers.
homemade cards.
metallic spray paint.
wall-e.
nights that last til 5am.
90s pop.
harmony korine.

gus van sant.


and

madonna.

51

he handed me the last $50 in his pocket.
apologetic that he couldn't bail me out
on my delinquent parking tickets, he said,
"it's not much. just some gas money."
when his birthday card was passed around
in my limited space i was short,
"happy birthday, dad. thanks for all your love
and support in the pursuit of my dreams.
hopefully the hard work and wait will be worth it."
after i hugged him goodbye,
he pulled my head towards him
and kissed me on the head.
"thank you. that was a really nice birthday gift."
i smiled and turned away.

unconditional love is simple.
once its realized at both ends.

with my mind at a standstill,
my legs keep me moving along.
in an economic digression and depression,
i realize how little i need to get by.
but my dwindling bank account
and financial obligations make me worry
if i can afford the warm meal at night, alone.
i just want to cuddle in my big warm blanket
and hibernate until the cold subsides.

there is no more time (or money) for lazy daze.

i spent my thanksgiving day.
thinking about what you said last night.
i spent my thanksgiving day.
excusing myself from the room to cry over a cigarette.
i spent my thanksgiving day.
revaluating the time now lost, trying to enjoy the next moment.



"im so blessed to
have spent that time with my family and the friends i love
with my short life i have met so many people i deeply care for"

-yeasayer, red cave.

we expected something,
something better than before.
we expected something more

do you really think you can just put it in a safe
behind a painting, lock it up and leave?
do you really think you can just put it in a safe
behind a painting, lock it up and leav?e

walk away now and you're gonna start a war

whatever went away
i'll get it over now.
i'll get money,
i'll get funny again.

whatever went away
I'll get it over now.
I'll get money,
I'll get funny again

walk away now and you're gonna start a war

we expected something,
something better than before.
we expected something more

you were always weird
but I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now

you were always weird
but I never had to hold you by the edges
like I do now

walk away now and you're gonna start a war

whatever went away
i'll get it over now.
i'll get money,
i'll get funny again

whatever went away
i'll get it over now.
i'll get money,
i'll get funny again

walk away now and you're gonna start a war
walk away now and you're gonna start a war

too close to home.

Monday, Nov 24th, 2008 -- It's not difficult to sense that something is different now, but it's hard to put your finger on the source. Fortunately, the passionate Scorpio Moon enables you to feel your way through the emotional darkness. Remember, there's no reason to be afraid of the shadows; you can find your answers in the strangest places.

Tuesday, Nov 25th, 2008 -- Your compassion can be one of your greatest strengths, yet now it can also be the source of anxiety. Your ability to empathize with everyone is a blessing unless you cannot establish healthy boundaries and turn it off when appropriate. Even if your intentions are good, feeling the pain of others isn't necessarily the only way to respond to difficult news. Do what you can to remain positive and move on. Letting go can be liberating to all involved.

Wednesday, Nov 26th, 2008 -- People more powerful than any you've known will enter your life over the next decade, forcing you to reassess your priorities. This may take a while to notice, but it can begin as you get involved with new social groups or organizations. Not surprisingly, as your friends change, so will your world. Even if you cannot yet fathom what's ahead, just remember to voluntarily let go of the past when it's time. Struggling to hold on to the wrong things can exhaust you when you need your energy for something more important.

friends.giving - the weekend before the last thursday of november.

castro house thanksgiving. // (moistest turkey in town).



mayo. e. dave. zorina. cole. greg. eric. (clayton). allie. lauren. lindsay. alai. louise. by jose.





holy shit. dinner for thirty-how-many? //
(bartholomew the turkey and mac + cheese)



ariel. daveo. cole. drew. colin. jess. annie. trevor. ryan. lee. lawrence. sally. shaun. houck. jenn. tanya. fei. chris. dave. mich. james. james. berkman. lysette. brent. donnie. felix. luca. ricky. james. (aki. andrew. greta. benji. jenna. paul. chris). by e.



this year's contributions: bacon/walnut spinach salad w/dijon lemon home dressing, slow cooked pulled chicken and green beens, baked cheddar mac and cheese w/ butter-goldfish topping, tofu and beef lumpias, bartholomew the turkey.

thanksgiving time begins.

shocks of euphoria leveled the walking ground.
rationalizations waited to turn to action.

nihilistic tones of green slept in afternoon haze
as i plucked white feathers that were falling to the ground
i stood a moment at a surreal landscape of empty soccer fields
passing ghosts of others' laughter coming from
the abandoned wooden sun-bleached seating

empty meadows were left for friday play
resting in the sun by sapling pines.

sudden realization for my need to be alone
and it's domino effect on those close to me
i remembered the day that we ran into the cliff.

i saw something special there again at the end of my today -
rays through trees that looked like angel wings perching over these modern ruins.


i carried all such memories of this place.
and sat alone to watch the sun set to a dancing haloed sky
i kick the bubbles of foam that waves leave at my feet
and see a new blue in the sky's reflection on wet sand.

i watch myself changing all of a sudden.
internal dialogues sharpen with external visions.


knowing that it would spread into my real life, i sang.
and all the while i thought of how i'd like to share this with you.

you can't always get what you want
but if you try sometime you just might find
you get what you need.

almost a year and a half ago i drove into the city with three friends. two were looking for a new place. the third came for the fun. running around the city, stress culminated in chinatown at lunch when i put my camera aside. after visiting the the apartment on castro this song appropriately played.

"deny me and be doomed."



hedwig and the angry inch.

i'm taking the risk of blacking out the friction
that grinds away at the surface of who we were.
i have been handed a new perspective
for light to shine through my life,
and if it only comes out on my accord
i will surely wear out sooner than the rest
but perhaps more happily than others before me.

all are welcomed through my doors
to feast at this table.
but if you intend to drag me through this pain any further,
i should ask you to wait outside my door
until i finish my meal

and then we can go on that long night walk
i promised before you left.

why the long face?

baptisms with filipino families
feels just like home.

clairvoyant storytellers
will leave you speechless.
it's okay to smile though
no one here is judging you anymore.

if my love offends you,
my deepest apologies.
no one here means
to offend with contradiction

you stopped telling me stories
and coated pain with sugar
singing melodies that i misunderstood
with a sometimes natural chatter.

the motorcyclist drove by with a cigarette,
hitting the curb in an attempt to keep up.
songs about green gloves don't phase me anymore
as i stand up, moving on with a flat tire.







from donnie.

animal play [film] development.

tomorrow's horoscope: The determined Taurus Full Moon falls in your 3rd House of Information, urging you to be more dogmatic than usual. Unfortunately, others may be resistant to your ideas because it appears like you think you know everything, even if you are a bit confused with your facts. Remember, communication is a two-way street that begins with listening.

a song from jess

we drove down the 405.

person #1 (to person #2): if you could improve or change one thing about your character, what would you change?

person #2: "ummm... i guess i'd be more outgoing... i wish i could meet people more easily."

person #3 asks for "further explanation"

person #2 expands.

person #2 (to person #3): "well. what would you change!?"

person #3: i'd say i'd be more giving. i'd like to be a little generous.

person #2: "so you're saying right now you're selfish."

person #3 explains his stance and what it's felt like to actually having to answer the question months ago, to which i could tell he has been working on, myself. i smile in agreement to myself and he tells person #2 about when that question was asked of him.

person #3 to person #1: well. what would you change?

person #2: yeah. what would you change?

person #1 take a few minutes to think about it: "i guess i'd be more outgoing too."

person #3: noooo! that's cheating. person #2 already said that... well if that was your first then what would be the second?

person #1: i wouldn't be so emotional.

person #2 and person #3 both expecting that answer, sort of get an endearing laugh about it.

person #1: "obviously, right?"

person #3: "what?"

person #1: yeah. i wish that i were less emotional and more rational sometimes. "

we exit montana.
my head floods again.

walking on air.



(she said)

today i stared at myself naked in front of the mirror
taking a good look at myself.
i mentally marked and circled my flaws

my point of humility.

the trouble was the exterior didn't match the image
i held inside my mind. another clash with reality.

imperfectly structured.

i counted the constellation of scars on my legs
the size of my thighs.
the long white stretch marks that drop down my sides.
the breakout under the beard that hides my double chin.

i took my medication for the first time in a month.
made a list of things i needed to get from the grocery store.
such are my growing pains.

and i began walking away now, one step at a time,
until i can feel like i'm walking on air again.

walking on air.
on my own.

how many choices in our lives
do we choose without knowing all the facts?
what kinds tools do we use
to trick our minds?
what kind of life did you want to live
before everyone else convinced you otherwise?

whose dream are you living out?

yours.
or theirs?







how many lives have i damaged in the process?
and where do we begin again?

change. change. change. change. change.
something has to change. change. change.
change. there needs to be a change. change.
change. change. i cannot alone. change.
change. something needs to change. change.
i need to make a change. change. change.

i cannot explain to her
why all of her friends stopped calling
once she made the decision
to do what was best for herself.

i cannot explain to him
why it wasn't fair of him
to fall in love when he did
and why he'd be burned at the stake.

i cannot explain to them
why some people chase after the wrong things,
then stumble upon the right thing at the wrong time.
every time.

i cannot explain to myself
whether or not this idea of us was just in my head
i cannot make excuses for anyone anymore
or for the fact that we're tearing our family apart.



i watch.
take count of who isn't there.
how quickly
things fall apart.








i cannot.
so i moved into a closet

decided that maybe it's time for the great escape.

today's horoscope: Friday, Nov 7th, 2008 -- The Moon's return to your sign can signal a reawakening of your emotions as you face a current complicated issue. But you may have residual negativity about something that is still bothering you, even though you've already been through it more than once. Consider what you are willing to let go of permanently in order to make room for what's next.

east of eden
there was a falling star
i wished on
for my twin brother

discovering that he had power
to overcome evil.
identifying as the black sheep,
i kept the secret locked.

the film eliminated
one of the most important characters.
lee added the hope into the story
now, reduced to a side-story idea.

timshel.
timshel.
timshel.

i. cal.
timshel.

america progressed.
california did the opposite.
a huge fuck you to everyone
that votes yes on 8.
and shame on you angelinos...

election day.



mother.
don't cry.

today.
the world will change.

i'll let you take a picture of me
if you let me cover my face.
i don't want anyone to know
it was me that wrote all those love letters.

signing the letter and finishing the mixed cd,
she packed all your clothes
into an american apparel bag.
telling herself she couldn't handle the friendship.

taking a single shot for fun,
the warmth finally hit him again
giving and taking anticipated questions
with long moments of silence between chosen words.

we drove long distances together,
making these familiar songs and roads
miss the love that got away
because i was too blind to see myself.

finally giving it a name.
we draw the lines.

carrying erasers in our pockets.

new ideas.
will be carried out.
as soon as i get some rest.

reunion.

.

and today's horoscope:

You are eager to put your best foot forward today, but you keep getting caught in the middle of other people's dramas. When you try to step back, though, others become concerned about your well-being, which can then add to the intensity you are trying to avoid. Keep in mind that beyond the noise of the current situation, a deeper stability will begin to emerge over the days ahead.

he came without worry
and we traveled alone
poker faces don't work
in this game anymore.
it's partially luck, part patience
learning not to throw
all your best cards down first
similar con men sit around the table.
resisting throwing it all up.

current events.

you told me a tale about the trail
that led you down into the canyon
where you'd have your mystical vision.
using the word milky to describe
the thickness of the stars.
then when you close your eyes
i did too, and it all felt the same.

shunning the masses at church,
i lost religion at the cost of my sanity.
political arenas breeding hate.
yes on 8.
yes on 8.
no wonder i can only imagine
having the family life i dreamed of,
with a woman.

everyone's advised in how to be happy,
planting images of what the future
should look like.
but someone forgot to tell me
that it was sitting inside all this time.
and now that i've found out
i feel very wronged.
the times i feel like i'm losing you,
i find something about myself.
for better or worse.

mom has to fix the mortgage.
a new family moved into our old home
last saturday.
dad's eyes speak less confidently than his voice.
my brothers just try to get by.
i haven't heard from my sister in ages
my grandma smiles
everday.

listening to the sound of the cars
on the highway
i closed my eyes and saw water.
you closed yours and saw stars.
somewhere we collided , crashing like waves
making the sounds of coming and going.

the trouble with loving so many people,
is learning to balance the moralities
without losing sense of your own boundaries.
justifying all our actions, revealing common fragility.

we seek old cities we've been to before,
because we are reassured our warm cup of noodles
in a home where it takes work to find any alone time.
when all you needed was a new place to grow.

uprooted and placed into the same pot,
my stomach aches and insomnia feeds off dry soil.
i never could have imagined despising predictability
in such an uncertain time.

growing pains.

in order for
the change
i seek.

i should
stop talking
about it.

and do it.

say what i mean.
and do as i say.

recreation of plotted drawing.



response to honest writing .


** (thanks for scanning all of these, jess).

afraid of further spreading the stain of my name
i have refrained from making my life
no more public than the contrived words
that i put down into writing.

hidden secrets and gestures between every letter
to people waiting across ocean waters,
as well as the last person i spoke
my drunken slander to last night.

i sang that song loudly in the car last night
and remembered that i labeled it unconditional.
singing the same song on repeat,
i pull off to the side of the road

and watched harry potter, instead.

cleaning out my inbox.

1. hey man. i'm in abke but i'm gonna call it a night. catch up on some much needed rest. you in town? give you a call tomorrow when i can be better company.

2. ohio is retarded.

3. e. i miss you. i'm coming to attack you and see your apt this week.

4. front door is open.

5. tell greg he's still black in my book.

6. nice. watch out for those serial killer cops. they're everywhere.

7. call me when you wake up?

8. that sucks but keep your head up. focus on the opportunities you can create before you give up.

9. don't know. i'm still a mess.

10. too many nightmares. let's just kick it tomorrow. soz.

11. i love you.

12. - -

13. you are listed. thanks for all the help today.

14. just landed.

15. tell lee he's not welcome in my home. i'm very upset that he's near my private space

16. i'm broke too! ah! i miss you can we hang soon? tomorrow?

17. walking across the brooklyn bridge. so amazing. i wish i had a fucking camera. gahhhh.

18. don't be. youre good at what you do. just do it.

19. *high five

20. don't tease me ian

21. best reply to get

22. time for a j or at least breathing for a minute (got to drop something off for you). what's your time frame looking like? too stressful?

23. these days by jackson browne. and that movie was awesome.

24. we went to a chinese restaurant yesterday and i got you a fortune cookie: "your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness."

25. i just drank all your whiskey! =) thanks!

26. i'm alive. i was in mexico for a week. now in new york. just landed. thanks for the text. i will call you when i have free time.

27. very odd question. do you have >>>> ? if so do you want to go to the park and smoke?

28. tell her to eat and dick and come.



* > <$% deleted text. <# * ^^^>

today's horoscope: allowing yourself time to daydream now may be the most important gift you can give yourself while beautiful Venus forms a magical quintile with illusory neptune. this idealistic combination lures you away from the daily humdrum and into a fantasy world where you are free to imagine anything at all. instead of trying to force productivity today, take a magical journey inward instead.

my father was a communist
my mother, a hippy born a few years too late.

i am a mesh of good ideas and generous intentions,
with no title to bear.

and then Donnie reintroduces another song.



"let the sadness be the melody to your laughter."

ke-nu and paula.



ha.

boone.stoked
houck. defeated



joy in the smallest victories.

"On the train back to King city from his trip to Salinas, Adam Trask was in a cloud of vague forms and sounds and colors. He was not conscious of any thought at all.

I believe there are techniques of the human mind whereby, in its dark deep, problems are examined, rejected or accepted. Such activities sometimes concern facets a man does not know he has. How often one goes to sleep troubled and full of pain, not knowing what causes the travail, and in the morning a whole new direction and a clearness is there, maybe the result of the black reasoning. And again there are mornings when ecstasy bubbles in the blood, and the stomach and chest are tight and electric with joy, and nothing in the thoughts to justify it or cause it."

john steinbeck. east of eden.

before noon i headed to his place
sitting in back with headphones
he looked down and didn't
acknowledge me until i put my hand out to him.

he didn't laugh as much as usual,
the person i'd normally turned to for a revival,
defeated in his head
we imagined his dreams slipping through his hands.

finishing the last bits we put together,
i had a drunken rush of honesty.
listening to the most familiar voice in the world,
i expressed my intuition.

how often we miss
the honesty that can end suffering.
and so i set myself on fire,
for the last bits of warmth to get us through today.

"there needs to be a revival."

when looking for employment
sometimes i turn on the tv
and get these fucking songs stuck in my head.
then laugh about it when i catch myself
singing.

i <3 d'angelo in all his glory.


COME ON, DUDE PLEASE! from EMMYLAND on Vimeo.

come on, dude please.
emily-jane/d'angelo collaboration

perched in a tree
i stared out into the dark
while you talked about
the lack of accountability.
pseudo-hippies disguising selfishness
con men, all the same.

our mothers hoped
for grander dreams than the ones
we kept four ourselves.
money did not rule them,
but its importance in the equation, vital.

miscalculating
instincts.
they overlooked our desparation,
growing up gets harder
when you can't even
be weak in front of Her.

you used the word suffering.
i reached for a passive way to say it.
my buzzword was stoic.
unsure of where these roads would take us
i see you there
always waiting for me in the horizon.
newly arrived, too.

sexual altruism.

saturday.

monochromatic friend placed a hat on his head
he knew how beautiful he's gotten in the last few months,
making up for some interior short circuit.

before i blacked out
you called me,
sprawled out on the cold concrete
my chest felt like it was about implode.

breathing irregularly,
i slipped my fingers between my shirt buttons
pressed my fingers against my chest
and said a little prayer
in a text message.

pills?

dazed the next morning i hugged you goodbye
then thought about what you said

the
whole
ride
home.







"i have lot invested in others' happiness," he said nervously.





















i moved again.
spending individual time
with as many people
before things change.

i've learned a lot about human nature and human relationships.
its fragility. its curiosity. its futility.
its lack of accountability.
its desire for each to find their OWN sense of happiness.

and i have discovered a happiness
in the love for people
that i have projected myself against.

each, a canvas for my light drawings.

but incapable of knowing who i really was,
i failed at commitment
and moved on,
on my own again.

i really do feel like sometime soon i may...

for the sake
of what you told me
i finally saw you again,

ryan wanted me to find this song for you

sometimes
(only sometimes)
i get sad thinking
that this is all
we will ever be.

then i think about
what life was like
without you.

and i take it back.

lots of broken.

she watched me shave
i nakedly blushed
and accidently cut myself
because i was conscious
that my life had become a show.

i wrote myself in
as the tragic hero.
adopted a dark mood
for other's sympathy.
and carried this fiction in my head
clawing at reality.

inspiration from a fantasy.

you look me in the eye on accident
we both turn our heads
and when you catch me, you wink.
you fell asleep again
routinely, earlier than me

and i drove around the city. the city.
and now i'm too tired
to pretend
that i'm in a good mood.




well.
i blame and economy and shit.

i feel like
i'm in a
constant
state of
waiting

i debated about a late drive
against the cars
coming home from bars.

came back here instead to wait
for morning.

and just as i've accepted
that you will not always be here,
i, too, have accepted
that i won't always be here either.

i don't even know
what i'm hoping for here, exactly.
i lose sleep in this city
thinking about it.




i need a fucking break.












anything.

fuck it.mini.mix



phil collins. you know what i mean
the beatles. long long long
antony and the johnsons. fistful of love.
cartola. acontece
smashing pumkins. i of the mourning
u2. sunday bloody sunday
bjork. hyperballad
incubus. pardon me
green day. basket case
the evangelicals. skeleton man.
wilco. kamera
+
third eye blind. background

e.

a new guilty pleasure.



santogold, les artistes

losing something

you dared me to make a move.
shocked.
i stood still.
then talked about it
when you weren't in the room anymore,
to myself.

others' assumptions
built an identity for you
incapable of saying otherwise,
your moved towards defense
and knocked all mine down.

written in my moleskine
was the time: 3:52 am.
at your request
i made the decision to pay
for my ticket into the real world.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
song: cherri
artist: suicide

i think
i see gender rolls differently
from how everyone else sees them.

which makes me honestly believe that..
perhaps i am just a little different
from you.

portraits for ian.
by joey tran.

mother.

beginning with myths as history,
i could see myself staring out the front door
while you called me outside the gate
in the rain.

music tied me to fragile memories,
the growth of my defenselessness in empty homes
and i was too young to recognize
what it meant when i heard you crying.

on a car ride on the five
you announced that your recognized
just how strong you were
all these days.

i agreed calmly on the outside
and screamed out loud inside
as i began to recognize
my inheritance.

i avoided the facts
and played ignorance,
dodging any further
complication or involvement.

i avoided wanting
to be around you,
running from the powerlessness
your sadness caused.

i avoided telling you
that i loved you,
because i could not
handle your dependence.

i built this
home without you.
in hopes that you can get
own life together.

i loved you.
just not as much
as you did.

empathy.
sympathy.
compassion.

not you.
Me.
not i.
We.

a weekend that marked a lot of changes in our lives.
without us even realizing the ripples we would cause.

beauty. the shivers.

thursday morning i had my last interview lined up for now.
it was at the fahey/kline gallery off la brea and beverly.

i had to take a taxi back so that i could comfortably vomit some place where i could not be audible.

working on this.

our imaginary heroes.


everyone is fragile.
you would always stay around until the last song.
six a.m. does not exist.

i proved you wrong, but you were right
already asleep.
i'd walk the street outside your place to make myself tired.

i waited. powerless.


not everyone can always be a hero.

i leave la today. for a bit.


with a ring for you in my pocket.
new proposals, different plans.
all pieces of advice and the reaction
keep pulling me back and forth to you.
scattered lines painted in mauve,
without a shadow
you moved alone among some scattered leaves.

i heard her voice singing quietly on the balcony
headphone's exterior faded sounds
of an old melody i used to sing
when i first came back a month ago.
hidden behind the inherited couches,
you slept there bathing in the sun.
you blushed and sighed, then smiled when you told me
how beautiful you thought my mind worked.

it felt better than any drunken kiss.
i danced inside myself.

and that night you came into my room.
i separated the two blankets so that you could have your own.
you curled under mine, instead
kissed me on the cheek and whispered thanks.
then rubbed my back like you used to when i was sad,
even though you were the one crying that night.

incapable of hugging you,
i was lost in the importance of wishing you,
good night.

and forgot, again to tell you
i love you, too.

e.

classic.



just. radiohead.

baz luhrmann. everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)



ladies and gentlemen of the class of ’99
if i could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
the long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis
more reliable than my own meandering experience…
i will dispense this advice now.

enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind;
you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
but trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself
and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you
and how fabulous you really looked

you’re not as fat as you imagine.

don’t worry about the future; or worry,
but know that worrying is as effective
as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
the real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle tuesday.
do one thing everyday that scares you.

sing.

don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,
don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

floss.
don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this,
tell me how.

keep your old love letters,
throw away your old bank statements.

stretch.

don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life.
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds i know still don’t.
get plenty of calcium. be kind to your knees,
you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary
what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either
your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

enjoy your body, use it every way you can.
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

dance
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past
and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
understand that friends come and go,
but for the precious few you should hold on.
work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle
because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

live in new york city once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in northern california once, but leave before it makes you soft.

travel.

accept certain inalienable truths:
prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old,
and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

respect your elders.

don’t expect anyone else to support you.
maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.
don’t mess too much with your hair,
or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

be careful whose advice you buy,
but, be patient with those who supply it.
advice is a form of nostalgia,
dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

but trust me on the sunscreen…

i bite my tongue.









my life is in pieces.
faded colors talk of wisdom.
bold ones of passion and creation.
the gold speck you accidentally dropped on me
speaks loudly of Truth.

you didn't mean to hurt me,
perhaps i didn't listen well enough
repeated mistakes and very few breaks,
leave birds weary
from singing their songs.

what i told you last night,
i meant even if my breath smelled like whiskey.

i'm not too sure what i'm doing here anymore.

today's horoscope

you need to wake up from your reverie, especially if you've been lost in dreams about great adventures and faraway lands. there's nothing inherently wrong with these kinds of fantasies, but you have serious work to do now and cannot afford the luxury of drifting in the impractical realms of your imagination. but don't lose touch with your hopes; just express what you can in the real world, for that's where your vision must manifest.

upon realizing that the lady i was living with was crazy.
i moved out today without saying goodbye
leaving my key on top of the $133 -
the utility bill for which i paid for more than my own share.

now i'm spending time collecting myself again.
everything i own sitting in my car out front.
my mind clearer now than in the last month.
new directions for everything,
after traffic stalled us long enough to talk
about building futures out of collaborations.

i am hopeful.
more than.

america, by allen ginsberg

america, i've given you all and now i'm nothing.
america, two dollars and twenty-seven cents january 17, 1956.
i can't stand my own mind.
america when will we end the human war?
go fuck yourself with your atom bomb
i don't feel good don't bother me.
i won't write my poem till I'm in my right mind.
america, when will you be angelic?
when will you take off your clothes?
when will you look at yourself through the grave?
when will you be worthy of your million trotskyites?

america, why are your libraries full of tears?
america, when will you send your eggs to india?
i'm sick of your insane demands.
when can i go into the supermarket and buy what i need with my good looks?
america, after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.
your machinery is too much for me.
you made me want to be a saint.

there must be some other way to settle this argument.
burroughs is in tangiers.
i don't think he'll come back. it's sinister.
are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?
i'm trying to come to the point.
i refuse to give up my obsession.

america, stop pushing i know what i'm doing.
america, the plum blossoms are falling.
i haven't read the newspapers for months,
everyday somebody goes on trial for murder.
america, i feel sentimental about the wobblies.
america, i used to be a communist when i was a kid and I'm not sorry.

i smoke marijuana every chance i get.
i sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.
when I go to chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.
my mind is made up there's going to be trouble.
you should have seen me reading marx.
my psychoanalyst thinks I'm perfectly right.
i won't say the lord's prayer.
i have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.

america, still haven't told you what you did to uncle max
after he came over from russia.
i'm addressing you.
are you going to let our emotional life be run by time magazine?
I'm obsessed by time magazine.
i read it every week.
its cover stares at me every time i slink past the corner candystore.
i read it in the basement of the berkeley public library.
it's always telling me about responsibility.
businessmen are serious.
movie producers are serious.
everybody's serious but me.
it occurs to me that i am america.
a am talking to myself again.

asia is rising against me.
i haven't got a chinaman's chance.
i'd better consider my national resources.
my national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals
an unpublishable private literature that goes 1400 miles an hour
and twentyfivethousand mental institutions.
i say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underprivileged
who live in my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.
i have abolished the whorehouses of france, tangiers is the next to go.
my ambition is to be president despite the fact that i'm a catholic.

america, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?
i will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his
automobiles more so they're all different sexes
america, i will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe
america, free tom mooney
america, save the spanish loyalists
america, sacco & vanzetti must not die
america, i am the scottsboro boys.

america, when i was seven momma took me to communist cell meetings
they sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel
and the speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the workers
it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party
was in 1935 scott nearing was a grand old man a real mensch mother
bloor made me cry
i once saw israel amter plain.
everybody must have been a spy.

america, you don're really want to go to war.
america, it's them bad russians.
them russian.s them russians and them chinamen.
and them russians.
the russians wants to eat us alive.
the russia's power mad.
she wants to take our cars from out our garages.
her wants to grab chicago.
her needs a red reader's digest.
her wants our auto plants in siberia.
him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.

that's no good. Ugh.
him makes indians learn read.
him need big black niggers.
hah. her make us all work sixteen hours a day.
help.

america, this is quite serious.
america, this is the impression I get from looking in the television set.
america ,is this correct?
i'd better get right down to the job.
it's true i don't want to join the army or turn lathes in precision parts
factories, i'm nearsighted and psychopathic anyway.

america, i'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

the natural noises are the ones unplanned -
the sharpening of a note, the flick of a cigarette,
or even your voice on the phone that night.

we sing these songs that have no meanings,
creating something out of nothing.

the natural noises is the silence that awkwardly creeps up on us
the humming of cars with places to be,
stuck still i watch with my ears

my eyes are failing me,
and the lens broke, too.

the natural noises were the words we chose to use
when no one else was watching.
when time was frozen, and we looked outside in.

nature's noise is Your voice and the deep, long silence that follows after.



lovin's for fools.



bon iver and bowerbirds.

"where do we draw the line?"



- james j.

good time for a change.
see the look i've had can make a good man turn bad.

so, for once in my life. please. please.

please...

tonight: where my friends are.

appropriate on many levels.